Brownie Points: Browns’ Special Teams Might Be Very Special This Season

The Cleveland Browns are heading in the right direction.

In their third preseason game, the Browns beat the Tennessee Titans 23-17 on a night in Cleveland Browns Stadium that was windier than the restrooms in a Chipotle restaurant. Flags whipped, jerseys shimmied, and loose napkins flew across the field for much of the game.

But even in the poor weather conditions, the offense behind both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson was solid. Quinn went 11 of 15 for 128 yards, including a nifty 20-yard touchdown pass to Braylon Edwards in the third quarter. Anderson went 7-of-11 for 77 yards. More importantly for Derek, he had no interceptions. The QB controversy rages on.

Braylon Edwards had a very nice game, as well. Besides catching the touchdown pass, he seemed more focused against the Titans than he was all of last season. Edwards’ most eye-popping play of the game was one that didn’t show up in the stats. Running full speed and leaping, the muscled receiver made an incredible one-handed grab that was negated only when he was unable to get a second foot in bounds.

The Browns also may have caught lightning in a bottle with new recruit James Davis. The shifty back was a real spark on offense, carrying the ball five times for 28 yards. If the quick-footed rookie can learn to hit the hole decisively and quickly, he could be a very pleasant surprise for everyone on the team but aging veteran Jamal Lewis. 

The defense showed some encouraging signs of improvement, also. Though the unit had some lapses which triggered blown assignments, against a very good offense they held their own and made some spectacular plays in the process.

At the end of the first half, Vince Young was behind center for the Titans and had his team on the Browns’ goal line with the chance to score. When the passing play broke down, Young tried to relive his college days and run the ball to pay-dirt himself. But the Dawgs tangled with Young before he could cross the stripe, and when the dust had settled, the pigskin was in the Browns possession with one tick left on the clock.

In the third quarter, Young returned. Backed up near his own end-zone, he again felt the defensive pressure on a broken pass play. Throwing off his back foot, he sailed a “happy birthday” ball into the grasp of an astonished Alex Hall who trotted the few yards to the end-zone for a quick pick-six. The score at that point was Browns-20, Titans-3.

But perhaps the strongest unit on the team was special teams.

Josh Cribbs continues to play with anger, as he is in the midst of a contract dispute with the team. Signed for four more years but believing he deserves a boost in salary, the kick returner has played some of his best football this preseason. It has become a cliche to say that Cribbs is a threat to go to the house every time he touches the ball.

Cribbs has also turned heads as a wide receiver this preseason. As recently as last week, Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Bill Livingston was on WKNR sports talk radio telling the fans that the Browns coaching staff thought Cribbs was still having trouble identifying schemes and separating at the line of scrimmage.

But against the Titans, he looked like a seasoned veteran, and an All Pro at that. Owner Randy Lerner might want to find his wallet. Cribbs’ outstanding play may force him to crack it open.

Another veteran specialist, Phil Dawson held a clinic on how to kick through the teeth of a Lake Erie gale. Against the Titans, he kicked two extra points and three field goals, his longest an oxbow 37-yarder in the third quarter. No one kicks better in the confines of Cleveland Browns Stadium than the little Texan with the big leg.

Other special teams highlights included Brandon McDonald recovering a blocked field goal, and a forced fumble against the Titans’ Mark Jones who couldn’t control a catch and was rudely dismissed from the field without the ball.

 

Mr. Rogers Not In Neighborhood

Shaun Rogers was once again a no show for the Titans game. Head Coach Eric Mangini and his staff have remained mum on the subject and speculation still abounds that there is more to his absence than a minor ailment.

A war of wills seems to be playing out behind the scenes in Berea, where Rogers has worn a mote into the edge of the field from running (trotting?) his punishment laps.

Here’s hoping this “urination tournament” is settled before Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings’ offensive line come to town.

 

Brian Brennan Meet Brian Brennan

Before the preseason game with the Tennessee Titans, the Browns hosted U.S. Army 1st LT. Brian Brennan, a soldier who was severely injured on May 7, 2008 from an IED attack, while leading a patrol in Afghanistan. Among the multiple injuries suffered that day, Brian lost both legs.

Former Cleveland Brown Brian Brennan, who is not related to the Brennan family, found out about Lt. Brennan’s story and that the soldier was indeed named after the former Browns wideout by his father. The two men have since formed a bond which they detailed during an interview before the television broadcast of the game.

Cleveland Browns players were impressed with Lt. Brennan’s bravery and courage.

Cleveland Browns fans are, too. Thank you, Lt. Brian Brennan.

Brownie Points: What It Means to Be a Cleveland Brown

We are Cleveland Browns fans.

We have missed family reunions and cut vacations short just to watch our team play on Sunday afternoons.

We have suffered through the snarky comments of co-workers and the condescension of wagon-jumping fans of every stripe.

We have vehemently attacked the team on local sports talk radio shows for being incompetent and disorganized, while defending them on national shows from outsiders who say the same thing.

To each other, we say we’re used to the the losing.

But we’re not.

To ourselves, we say we no longer care if the team wins.

But we do.

We get frustrated when players who are supposed to represent us don’t seem to get it, and when they seem more interested in inflating their egos or pointing their fingers.

We want to yell at them, to tell them to play like a Brown, and to tell them that it should mean something when they put on that orange helmet and those brown jerseys.

Because it means something to us.

We want to tell them to play like Otto Graham and Brian Sipe and Bernie Kosar— guys who won because they were not afraid to lose.

We want to beg them to emulate the toughness of Jim Brown, who would rather take a hit than step out of bounds. 

We want them to feel as much passion towards the city their team is named for as that city feels for them.

We want them to hate the Bengals.

We want them to hate the Ravens.

We want them to hate the Steelers.

We want them to know that when you’re a Cleveland Brown, it’s not enough to give less than your all. It’s not enough for the fans that have defended you, it’s not enough for the city that supports you, and it’s not enough for the memory of all the players that have gone before you. 

We want them to know that we are proud of this team, even when it lets us down.

That we are grateful for every great play and great player.

That we are ready for a champion.

And that we are patient.

Because we are Cleveland Browns fans— and we would not choose to be anything else.

Brett Favre a Viking; Tarvaris Jackson On Suicide Watch (Satire)

In Mankato, the goal posts are down.

In preparation of the rumored signing of future Hall-of-Fame quarterback Brett Favre to the Minnesota Vikings, the team has taken a safety-first stance by removing from the practice facility all items they feel may be used by former starting quarterback Tarvaris Jackson to harm himself.

“It’s been difficult for everyone here,” said head coach Brad Childress while addressing the media. “But especially for Tarvaris. We just want to be sure he’s not going to do anything crazy.”

“Like try to play.”

The transition is far-reaching, as there is no longer any silverware in the lunchroom, the cleats have been removed from all the player’s shoes, and pants no longer have belts or laces.

“I can’t work like this,” complained star running back Adrian Peterson as he did morning calisthenics. “My pants keep falling to my knees. I mean, I look like a teenager at the mall.”

Only defensive end Jared Allen seems to be enjoying the new changes.

“This is great! It’s very freeing. Now my under-armor is my OVER-armor! Yippee!”

The coaching staff is hoping that these precautions will only be temporary.

Tarvaris Jackson himself was unavailable for comment and was last seen lying on the practice field in the fetal position while eating snickerdoodles out of a plastic sandwich bag.

Fantasy Football Is Killing My Grass

It’s true. 

Everywhere I look, I see FANTASY FOOTBALL magazines and FANTASY FOOTBALL newspapers, FANTASY FOOTBALL websites and FANTASY FOOTBALL hula lessons, and FANTASY FOOTBALL hamster food and FANTASY FOOTBALL full-figured under-wire support.

(Okay, that’s a joke. I obviously don’t read newspapers.)

And because I’m addicted to fantasy football, I have to read all of it. I memorize names, the rankings, and the depth charts.

And sometimes, I nibble the pages.

And I do all this while my grass whithers in the hot sun and turns brown, because I cannot be bothered to water it or cut it or spray paint it green, like the crazy neighbor two doors down with the black-light posters for drapery and the lawn sculpture made out of Spam.

But today, I have decided to change all that. And I am willing to help you do the same.

So if you have ever battled the urge to yell GREG OLSEN at the top of your lungs while your carpool driver waits for his cappuccino at the drive-thru window of Dunkin’ Donuts, or have etched the initials “L.T.” into the enamel of your teeth with the blunt end of a plastic Red Lobster toothpick, then I beg you to try these five sure-fire ways that are guaranteed to break your fantasy-football addiction and help you get on with your life.

 

1. Let your wife draft your fantasy-football team.

She hates football. She hates you watching football. She’s tired of wearing the NFL cheerleader outfit on Friday nights and has asked you before to stop touching her pom poms.

Do you really think any players your wife picks are going to be worth watching?

The answer is yes.

Make her do it blind-folded.

 

2. Burn yourself with a cigarette every time your fantasy team scores.

This is not too hard if you have a crappy fantasy-football team, but if your team’s decent, you may need more cigarettes.

Get the kids to smoke a pack or two to help you out.

 

3. Force yourself to write a transcript for every second of every NFL game you watch.

Don’t watch any Randy Cross games.

Just saying.

 

4. For every minute you spend working on your roster, spend two less on personal hygiene.

It will be very difficult to set lineups when the fumes from your person are making your eyes water and you can’t move your arms without breaking off pieces of your shirt.

Not recommended for hookers or dentists.

 

5. Play fantasy-football the exact same way you always do.

Draft great players. Watch them get hurt. Fall out of the playoff hunt by game seven. Get razzed for losing by 43 points to the worst team in the league.

Offer to trade Tom Brady and Marques Colston to the second best team in the league for Seneca Wallace and a juice box.

Get a flame-war started. Get threatening emails from the commissioner. Respond with a profanity-laced shot-gun email to every other owner. Get voted out of league.

Cut grass.

NFL Hall Of Fame Game to Exclude Actual Hall-Of-Famers (Satire)

Where, I ask, is the outrage? 

For more years than this reporter is willing to count (let’s say six) the “Nefarious Football League” has celebrated the unofficial opening of its season by hosting what it misleadingly calls the “Hall of Fame” game.

Hah!

And I like to “read” Bleacher Report’s “Guilty Pleasures” articles!

It’s a sham!

Why?

Because A); the game is not played in the actual Hall of Fame building!

And because, letter after A); the game is not played by actual Hall-of-Famers!

Okay, I can understand if the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s management does not want a bunch of beefy, sweaty, uncouth men running around their sacred Halls like college freshman on their first pantie raid. But let’s face it, reporters are going to do that whether the game is held inside or not.

And I can also understand that many of the NFL’s Hall-of-Famers are either really old, really deceased, or Al Davis.

But I ask you sincerely, could watching those decrepit gentlemen be any worse than the mechanical-pencil-jabbed-in-the-eye sight of Lavelle Hawkins dropping a four-yard out that was shot-putted to him by Patrick Ramsey with nine minutes to go…IN THE FIRST HALF?

Of course, playing fast and loose with semantics is nothing new for this band of “Goodell-two-shoes.”

It is the same league that pays millions of dollars for FREE agents. And I can bet you will not find a single tent at your favorite team’s training CAMP.

It’s ridiculous.

The main complaint this reporter has is not that the surly kid behind the counter at Starbucks is always whispering about me under his breath because I have a hard time pronouncing the word “espresso.”

Rather, it is that, by naming this glorified scrimmage the “Hall of Fame” game, the league is being purposely deceitful to its fans. That is why, in the interest of honesty, I would like to suggest a completely new name for next year’s event:

“The Bunch of Guys You’d Don’t Know and Who Won’t Make the Team Playing in a Meaningless Scrimmage” Game.

Either that, or “Crap With Commercials.”

Coach Eric Mangini Believes Browns Have A Chance To Be Mediocre (Satire)

The bar has been raised and the gauntlet has been thrown.

Speaking at a log-rolling and pancake-eating festival in Northern Ohio earlier this week, Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini let it slip that he thinks the progress his new team is making this offseason could pay big dividends this year.

“I know the fans may find this hard to believe,” said Mangini while wiping syrup from his chin with a hatchet. “But I really think that with all the hard work we’ve been putting in, and all the talent we’ve assembled on this team, the Cleveland Browns have a real chance of being mediocre this season.”

“Maybe even very mediocre.”

When told of his new coach’s comments, wide receiver Braylon Edwards dropped his jaw. And his car keys. And a small child he’d been carrying.

Defensive back Brodney Pool, meanwhile, agreed with his coach.

“All I can say,” the defensive back said when replying to the news, “Is that I’ve been very mediocre for a very long time now.”

“I’m just glad someone’s finally noticing.”

Quarterback Brady Quinn, however, seemed to be less enthusiastic about Mangini’s comments.

“You know,  I appreciate the coach trying to build up a little morale and get the team excited for the season and all, but seriously…I’m still the quarterback, right?”

Most fans were skeptical of the mediocre tag, as well.

“Sure, the Browns always look mediocre on paper,” said Linus Steigenwhaller , a long-time fan from Canton. “But everyone knows they don’t play on paper. They play on something other than paper.”

“Of course, I’m not sure what that something else is, because actually watching the games causes me to vomit.”

Reached later at a puppet and pierogi festival in Parma, the visibly frustrated coach was still standing by his comments. 

“I realize that I’m the new guy in town,” said Mangini as he wiped a dollop of sour cream off his ear with a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. “But I meant what I said when I said it before; the Cleveland Browns are going to be a very, very mediocre team this year. You can absolutely bank on it.”

“Unless, of course, we suck.”

“Then all bets are off.”

Baltimore Raven Ray Lewis Concerned No One Is Feeling Him (Satire)

Only a few short weeks before the Baltimore Ravens open their training camp for the 2009 season, All-Pro linebacker Ray Lewis has gone on record as saying he has serious doubts that anyone on the team is feeling him.

“Nobody, man,” said the perennial Pro Bowler to a Baltimore radio show host when asked who he thought might be feeling him. “Usually by this time of year, everybody’s feeling Ray, you know what I’m saying? It’s time to crank it up, you know what I mean?”

“But so far, I got nothing. Nobody’s feeling me, man.”

“Nobody.” 

When asked why he thought that was, Lewis was introspective.

“I don’t know, man. These young guys … Shoot, when I was a young player in this league, I couldn’t wait to be feeling some of the older guys. I felt Rod Woodson. I felt Bennie Thompson. Hell, I even felt Dilfer once or twice.”

“But these new guys, they don’t care about feeling the veterans who ask them if they’re being felt.”

“It’s just a shame.”

Second-year quarterback Joe Flacco seemed to take Lewis’ comments in stride.

“Look, I’m feeling Ray, and I’m sure most of the team is feeling him, as well. But I just think it’s too early to worry about who’s feeling who right now.”

“It’s a long season, and quite frankly, there will be plenty of time to feel each other as the year goes on.”

Ravens General Manager Ozzie Newsome seemed to put it all in perspective.

“Ray’s always been eager to get felt. It’s one of the things that makes him such a fierce competitor, and one of the reasons why he’s been a leader on our team.”

“But no matter what else you hear, I can tell you this for a fact: Whether it’s on the practice field, during the game, or in the showers after the game, there is not one player in this league who wants to be felt more than Ray Lewis.”

Dallas QB Tony Romo Calls Giant RB Brandon Jacobs A Poopyhead (Satire)

Just days after New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs told an interviewer that Tony Romo was “not that good” and that “he’s not that effective,” the Cowboy signal caller retaliated by referring to Jacobs as a “poopyhead” and a “big fat underwear breath” on Romo’s Facebook page.

“It’s not just me saying it, either,” said Romo in follow up comments on his bi-weekly blog. “Everybody in the NFL knows it.”

When alerted to the comments while at a Slip-n-Slide party with some of his friends, Jacobs tweeted his fan base that Romo was a “smelly arm-pit” and that the Dallas captain could “go eat worms with the girls” for all Jacobs cared. 

Romo, who in turn found out about his rivals’ responses through a phone call from his girlfriend Jessica, sent a text message to his whole circle that stated “BJ 182 GTH.”

The incident almost reached climactic proportions when friends of Jacobs ran into friends of Romo at a White Castle Restaurant and told them that Jacobs wanted to fight Romo. But NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who happened to be treating some of the league’s rookies to a bag of sliders, overheard the conversation and called the parents of both players.

As of this writing, Jacobs has been grounded from television for two weeks and will have to miss a scheduled trip to Fun ‘N’ Stuff, while Romo will not be permitted to see his girlfriend for a week and will have his chores doubled for another two. 

Neither party could be reached for comment, as they were both sulking on the beds in their rooms.

Brett Favre Vs. Tarvaris Jackson: Do the Math (Satire)

The Minnesota Vikings have been in talks with Brett Favre, former Green Bay Packers and New York Jets quarterback, to take over the reigns of their offense. But the question remains: Would the 38-year-old gunslinger really be an improvement over current QB Tarvaris Jackson?

As any student of the game will tell you, there is only one plausible way to find out.

Do the math.

So, let’s get to it.

 

1. Brett Favre will be going to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

   Tarvaris Jackson has been to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

   +1 Jackson

 

2. Tarvaris Jackson is a person of color. He is African-American.

    Brett Favre is also a person of color. He is a redneck.

    +1 Jackson

 

3.  Brett Favre has an “R” in his name that should come before the “V”.

    Tarvaris Jackson has an “R” in his name that should NOT come before the “V”.

    +1 Favre

 

4. Tarvaris Jackson enjoys the affections of many attractive young ladies.

    Brett Favre enjoys the affections of retired sportscaster John Madden.

    +1 Jackson

 

5. Brett Favre has played his whole pro career without a small intestine.

    Tarvaris Jackson has played his whole pro career without a spine.

    +1 Favre

 

6. Tarvaris Jackson has been hated by Green Bay Packers fans for two years.

    Brett Favre: ditto.

    +1 Favre

 

7. Brett Favre once had a role in a movie featuring the nutty Cameron Diaz.

    Tarvaris Jackson once had a roll in a coffee shop featuring a nutty maple icing. 

    +1 Favre

 

8. Tarvaris Jackson has trouble reading defenses and sometimes throws into triple

    coverage.

    Brett Favre has no trouble reading defenses and sometimes throws into triple

    coverage.

    +1 Jackson

 

So there you have it. The numbers do not lie.

If you add it all up, you can come to only one conclusion. There is only one person perfectly suited to be the Minnesota Vikings quarterback for the upcoming 2009 season. 

And that person is Sage Rosenfels.

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