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Alyssa Milano Markets NFL Items To Women, No Seriously

Published: June 2, 2009

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The jokes about the softening of the league are too easy.

Alyssa Milano, well, scroll down and read it yourself.

Yes, she and her group have successfully marketed NHL and the NBA to female fans. So what?

At the risk of being called sexist, if the Steelers start wearing an alternate pastel Black and Gold to go with the mascot…

The new franchise in LA, the LA Sailor Moon…

San Diego’s powder blues are a nice start…

The Patriots throwbacks should not be red, they should be a faded red…

OK, seriously for whomever cares, if women need it changed to like it, who wants those women as fans?  You’d have to outlaw crack back blocks and the wedge forma…hey wait a minute.

Obviously Bill Polian is behind this.  It started with the “re-emphasis” of the five yard rule and each year the game becomes less physical.

Josh Deemers Is Back and Now “Educating” Steeler Fans Too

Published: June 1, 2009

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I missed the chance to caption that, “Mister Manning, Mister Manning, I saved your usual tee time” caption for just another Josh Deemer’s article.

C’mon, Tiger as Peyton’s Caddy would be funny.

I see Josh is back to educate us AFC East fans on what a great quarterback looks like and is upset at the one site not to get manningitis.  I apologize for CHFF not getting approval from the Indy Star first.

They are on record that Peyton is a great QB, but an over blown one.  

Now let’s address the “winning the Super Bowl means nothing” article.  We ignorant masses in New England and Western PA have sub-par quarterbacks up there with the giants of Archie Manning.

What would we do without Josh to set us straight?

Yup, instead of Ben or Brady the Steelers or Patriots would be best served by, um, who exactly Josh?

Josh already proved Brees, Peyton Manning, and Carson Palmer were better than Brady but I have not read who he proved is better than Ben.

I did not read his latest drivel because I had better things to do, like clip my nails, watch paint dry, you know.  In my brief perusal I did not see him use the word “system QB” but that is the essence of his argument.

Yes, Brady and Ben are system quarterbacks. Patriot and Steeler fans must console their grief with Lombardi trophies.

Oh, Steeler fans, don’t take it out on Colt fans. Josh is a pariah among people writing about Colt draft choices and stuff.

Sorry this is not funny.  The joke is wearing thin for me.  This article has links to funnier articles about Josh Deemers.

In fact, I’m going to put this in “opinion” because it is so not funny. Hey, it’s June. I need quotes from Josh and his mom.

Hey, rust never sleeps.

Funny Josh Deemers stuff with links to other Josh Deemers stuff.

SI Headline Writer Screws Over Tony Dungy

Published: May 23, 2009

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Unlike here at Bleacher Report, mainstream media have somebody write the headline for a star writer.  He can’t be bothered with writing something solely to grab readers.

The article itself was good.  Dungy wrote wondering what Vick would be like after jail and wondered if he had a stable father-figure like Josh Freeman, first pick of Tamp Bay.

Here is the article.

“Guidance With a Fatherly Touch.”  

I know you Midwesterners don’t like it, but if you live in a glass house, have good curtains.

Can anyone read that without wondering about Dungy’s son suicide?

Like I said, if you Midwesterners calm down enough to read, the problem is not Dungy.  

The problem was  some intern that writes headlines at SI.

Oh, that headline guarantees the story gets read.

Then the quote they lifted fits in context: “If Vick had a strong family support system, would he be in this situation?”  (Emphasis theirs.)

If one reads the context, he was using Freeman’s family as the “good” example.

If, like 98 percent of readers, you just skim the bold stuff in scorecard to get to the articles you think Dungy holds himself out as an example of great parenting.

Instead it is Sports Illustrated trying to make a buck off of Dungy’s son’s suicide.

Now we go to comments from the heartland that will blame me for asking what fatherly guidance can Dungy offer, when that is what the headline leads you to think.


I Fought Ty Law and Ty…Law Won (Song Parody)

Published: May 9, 2009

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I fought Ty Law


(Parody of song “I Fought the Law” by Sonny Curtis) allegedly sung by Peyton Manning after the Kansas City game after the 2006 season.


(A’) Watchin’ another inter…


I fought Ty Law and Ty… Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty… Law won.

I needed a ring ‘cause I …

had none.

I fought Ty Law and Ty… Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty… Law won.


I let down my team and I feel so bad

I hope my playoffs aren’t done.

Well it’s the best team I ever had

I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.


(Instrument break)


Dropping back into the …


I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.


I miss the bad teams and the …

good fun

I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.


I let down my team and I feel so bad

I hope my playoffs aren’t done.

It’s the best team I ever had

I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.

I fought Ty Law and Ty…

Law won.


Note to editors:  Peyton Manning is quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts.

Bucs Trade Alex Smith To Patriots

Published: April 30, 2009

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Patriots obtain Tight End Smith from Buccaneers


Personally I wonder about Dave Thomas. 

Alex Smith for an undisclosed draft pick in 2010.  Smith was a third rounder. 

I’d tag it for Alex Smith, but I think that is the 49ers quarterback.

Oops, Wrong Link: Patriots Cheerleaders Calender Photo Shoot Linked too

Published: April 30, 2009

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Tom Brady according to…Oops.  How did that happen?

Patriot cheerleaders calender photo shoot somehow.  How did I mix that up?  Oh well…

If the Draft Lasted Nine Rounds (Patriots Humor)

Published: April 28, 2009

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“With the 23rd selection in the 8th round the Patriots select Ruben Studdard.”

“As a former Coach, John, what do you think Belichick sees here,” asked Rich Eisen.

“I never even try,” said Jon Gruden, “to figure out what Belichick thinks.” Brief laughter, then he added, “Seriously, he projects to a nose tackle. I mean, what are on, pick 250 something.”

“Do we have any film of him?” asked Mike Maycock.

Then they showed Simon Cowell berating him for his weight.

“No, I meant playing football,” said Maycock. When “the truck” had no film they played the “big head” game.

Primate Linebackers In the Draft

Published: April 21, 2009

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This is humor.  For all I know I’m mixing round No. 1 prospects with rookie free agents and all are non-drinkers.  If this is factually wrong, hey, it I’m not pretending I know.  I leave that pretending to E!spn.

Brian Arakpo, Jayon Belcher, Cody Brown, and Larry English in a bar talking about being interviewed by the Patriots.

“Did you guys get that question?” asked Arakpo.

“You mean when Belichick asked, ‘If you are in a room with a gorilla with three bananas, a chimp with a stick, and an orangutan which primate could make the transition to a 3-4 outside linebacker best?'”

“Yeah,” said Arakpo.  “That was weird.  I said gorilla because he’s strong and well fed.” 

“Really?” said Jayon Belcher.  “I said the chimp because since he has tool, he is showing some intelligence.”

“I said the orangutan,” said Cody Brown, “because the long arms could help him in coverage.  You know, he is beat by a tight end, but still can reach out to the pass.”

“Well I guess I’m the top DE/OLB of the Patriot draft board,” said Larry English.  (Note to editors: who says Defensive End slash Outside Line Backer?  If when you screw up this article you can’t answer that then DO NOT CHANGE STUFF IN QUOTES.)

“How do you figure?” asked Arakpo.

“Well” said English, “Humans are primates and he said I am in the room.  I said I would do best at outside linebacker.”

“You mean OLB?” asked Brown.

“Yeah, but I phrased it for morons who can edit this but not knowing how we speak,” said English.

“But you used 5 sylables instead of three,” said Brown.

“So,” said Belcher who could not hold his beer, “wheN I slurr Couneti..Conenetti.. Coneticat Univarsity, it’lll be somebodie jawb to be fixin it up?”

“Never mind that,” said Arakpo.  Then he turned to English and asked, “So why would you answering that stupid question be so highly rated?”

“Belichick thought it was important to be smart enough to notice a detail like that,” said English.

Yes, Bleacher Report editors, this is about the NFL draft.  You are welcome for the education since this is your first exposure to any sports.

Vinny Testaverde Signs with New York Jets (Humor)

Published: April 21, 2009

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This is humor!

I was going to have that idiot GM who traded Pennington, signed Favre, then put the blame on Mangini boast about getting the NFL yardage leader.

Unfortunately I started to feel like I was making fun of a crippled guy because he can’t bend over and tie his shoes.

(BTW, any “politically correct” people about to call me out for saying crippled, not hand-capable or whatever, please look up Spinal Cerubellar Ataxia then die of shame.)

Sorry back to laughing at misery.  Where was I?

Oh yeah.  Thanks.

Anyway, I felt bad about picking on the quarterback challenged Jets.*

Oh, I’m an a$$&ole Patriot fan, BTW.

I did not feel bad enough to not write anything, of course.  I mean I am an a$$&ole Patriot fan.

Unfortunately for Jet fans, the humor writer has nothing to add except he feels sorry for you.

* Is “quarterback challenged” PC enough?

Note for editors:  How many people even know what “PC” stands for?   I know the “manual” thinks NFL fans never use the two syllable “QB” and you’ll change it to the three syllable quarterback and stuff, but leave this in humor.  I openly lie in the headline.  It is not “Breaking News.” It is not an opinion piece either.