Vikings-Packers Preview: Are You Ready for Some Gunslinging or Mudslinging?

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Brett Favre’s long-awaited homecoming in Green Bay is upon us, and it couldn’t have been scripted any better.

The Minnesota Vikings are 6-1 with the Green Bay Packers close behind at 4-2. A Packer win would forge a practical tie atop the division.

The Packers have won two straight by a combined 57-3 score, while Minnesota lost for the first time last week, falling to the Steelers 27-17 in Pittsburgh.

“This may be the most anticipated event in Green Bay since my first tearful retirement press conference,” says Favre. “This game has the potential to be a real barn-burner. Throw in some snow and Matt Hasselbeck, and you’ve got the makings of a true classic.

“I’m not sure how the fans will react to my return. I’m not expecting casserole for my homecoming. With the game taking place a day after Halloween, it’s appropriate to say my reception will be ‘Trick Or Treat.’ That’s just fine. I don’t mind Halloween-themed events, nor do my teammates, who just enjoyed a cruise on Lake Minnetonka on the SS Ghostly Tail.

“I guess I can expect somewhat of a cool reception in Green Bay. I was once considered a god there, but it seems my status as a deity is no longer. It looks as though my inability to ‘decide’ has resulted in a case of ‘deicide.’ That’s a ‘vowel movement’ this 40-year-old would rather not experience.”

Favre’s counterpart, Aaron Rodgers, was sacked eight times in the Packers’ 30-23 loss in Minnesota in week four. Jared Allen recorded 4.5 of those sacks, as well as a forced fumble.

“We can’t have a repeat of the last game,” says Rodgers. “Allen is an avid outdoorsman; there’s nothing he likes more than a ‘sitting duck’ or a ‘deer in the headlights.’ After last time, I think my offensive line owes me better protection. They’re beholden to me. And if they don’t think they can stop the Vikings front four fairly, then they better ‘be holdin.’”

What will there be more of when Favre comes to town: gun slinging or mud slinging? Packer head coach Mike McCarthy has stressed a Viagra theme all week to his offensive linemen, because their job is to keep Rodgers upright. Like the decision to retire, that’s easier said than done.

Vikings win 27-23 as a stunned hush falls upon the stadium—not a Lambeau “peep” to be heard.

 

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Falcons Vs Cowboys Preview: “Brand” Spanking

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

A week after playing in the spotlight of NBC’s Sunday night game, Matt Ryan and the hot Falcons face something even more daunting— playing under the massive video board above the playing field in Dallas Stadium. While the Cowboys themselves don’t necessarily intimidate, the video screen casts a long shadow, much like the five Lombardi Trophies do on the legacy of Tony Romo.

“There is no doubt a lot of history with the Cowboys,” says Ryan. “The Cowboy franchise is the most-valued in the league, and the Dallas ‘star’ is emblematic of excellence in the NFL. That’s why a win at Dallas would mean so much to me. It would be a defining victory, as well as a ‘brand’ spanking.”

The Cowboys bye week has already been a success, what with the three NFC East counterparts all losing. Dallas is 3-2, tied with the Eagles for second and trailing the Giants by a game.

“See, good things are just as likely to happen to us when we don’t play than when we do ,” says Jerry Jones. “I guess I have to credit that to coach Wade Phillips. That’s why I’ll use this opportunity to reiterate that Phillips’ job is safe for this year. Only in Dallas does the owner feel compelled to address the coach’s future after a win .”

Dallas victories are a lot like Travis Henry’s children—you have to question their legitimacy. Tampa Bay, Carolina, and Kansas City are a combined 3-14, and they were all winless when the Cowboys beat them.

Atlanta wins, 30-23.

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49ers vs. Texans Preview: Crabtree Debuts Minus Bail Bondsman

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The 49ers, coming off a bye, have had an extra week to examine Week Five’s 45-10 loss to the Falcons. Head coach Mike Singletary sternly reminded his team of the importance of not looking ahead and focusing on the task at hand before savoring the benefits.

“It was our bye week,” says Singletary, “but you could also call it a ‘Bly’ week. Dre has been the ‘butt’ of more jokes than Beyonce.

“I think Dre knows by now that he’s best off not trying to imitate Deion Sanders on the field. Dre’d be better served imitating Deion off the field, of which the best way is to put on his Sunday’s finest and conduct some questionable business with some shady NFL agents. Then have non-football fans guess whether you’re a preacher or a pimp.

“As you know, Michael Crabtree will be starting at wide receiver. Some may think we’re rushing him, but I think he’s ready enough. I’d say he’s about 90 perceny prepared. Toss in 10 percent from a bail bondsman, and he’s totally prepared to start.”

The Texans are 3-3 and are one of those Forrest Gump “box of chocolates” teams, because you never know what you’re going to get. One week, the Texans look great, as they did last week in a 28-17 win in Cincinnati. Another week, they’ll look awful, as they did in a 24-7 loss to the Jets in Week One. With the Colts not yet showing signs of a late-season swoon, it’s imperative that the “good” Texans show up each Sunday.

“Hey, you’re winsome ,” says Matt Schaub, “and you lose some. I know, watching us play is a lot like watching a tennis match. And, when Mario Williams accosts a diminutive Asian line judge, it’s even more like watching a tennis match.”

Houston wins, 24-20.

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Saints-Dolphins Preview: 1972 Dolphins Sweating Bullets

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Who do you think is most excited about the Saints impressive 5-0 start? Why, those persnickety curmudgeons representing the 1972 Dolphins 17-0 team, whose feeble hearts always seem to race when a team blasts out of the gate in undefeated style. Once again, the Dolphins have a chance to pin a loss on an undefeated team, thereby giving those ’72 Dolphins not only a reason to drink, but a reason to live.

“It’s hard to believe anyone would wish ill will upon the NFL’s reigning ‘Man of the Year,'” says Drew Brees, “but those ’72 Dolphins have it out for me. Their lack of shame is matched only by their lack of continence.”

After an 0-3 start, the Dolphins have won two in a row, and now trail the AFC East-leading Patriots by a single game in the loss column. After a bye week, you can expect a rested Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to give the Saints several looks at the wildcat formation.

“Hey, despite the 1972 Dolphins selfish attitudes,” says Williams, “I like what this organization represents. Nothing indicates a commitment to winning more than having Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas owning a piece of the team. We’re ‘Fergalicious.’ Dolphins ownership are a diversified bunch. There’s Jimmy Buffett, Gloria Estefan, Crockett and Tubbs, and Venus and Serena Williams, to name a few. It’s an ownership group I’m fond of calling a ‘universal joint.'”

Can the Dolphins make “champagne” toast of the Saints? Maybe for a quarter. But the New Orleans offense can’t be stopped entirely. Brees throws for three scores and the Saints defense forces three turnovers.

New Orleans wins, 37-20

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Patriots-Buccaneers: Brits Admit Tom Brady Is A Wanker

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Tom Brady threw six touchdown passes, one for each of Mike and Carol’s six children, as the Patriots pounded the Titans 59-0 to improve to 4-2 and take over first place in the AFC East.

Brady threw five of his TD’s in the second quarter, breaking the NFL record for touchdown passes in a quarter.

“Call it a Brady ‘bunch,’” says Brady. “I understand the Titans haven’t won a game since beating the world champion Steelers in week 16 last year. So, they went from stomping on towels to throwing in towels.”

“As for running up the score, I resent those accusations. There’s nothing safer than a 45-0 lead than a 52-0 lead, or a 59-0 lead. Besides, we now know what it takes to get Vince Young on the field—not his own talent, but a lack of it on the part of his teammates.

“Vince seems to be a shell of his former self. And speaking of ‘shell,’ did you know that if you hold Vince’s helmet up to your ear, you can hear the ocean? That’s with his head in it.”

Three of Brady’s touchdown scores went to Randy Moss, who looks forward to putting on a show for the fans at Wembley Stadium in London.

“I’m just a country boy from West Virginia,” says Moss, “so the chance to travel overseas is a big deal. Shoot, there was a time in my life when ‘international flavor’ meant nothing more than a 40 of Olde English malt liquor. Football has opened so many doors for me. Now, ‘international flavor’ means downing a 40 of OE in England .”

“But I plan to enjoy my time there, not only on the field, but off the field as well. There’s so many blokes I’d like to meet, like Royal Albert Hall, the Duke and Duchess of Oven, England Dan and John Ford Coley, and Baron Davis.”

Is Brady truly back to the impeccable form he showed before his knee injury? If he impregnates English model Kate Moss, he’s definitely back.

And, can Raheem Morris hold his own against Bill Belichick? Maybe in a freestyle rap battle, but not on the sidelines in London.

New England wins 32-13.

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Titans Vs Patriots Preview: Looking Out For No. 12

 

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The 0-5 Titans couldn’t even score a touchdown last week against the Colts, while the Patriots were just as bad in the second half in mile-high Denver last week, as Tom Brady and the vaunted New England offense couldn’t even put a point on the board. For two teams that many predicted to challenge atop the AFC, there are many doubts afloat about each, despite their disparate records.

“Hey, what do Tom Brady and Vince Young have in common?” says Jeff Fisher. “Neither wants to quarterback the Titans.”

Now, as the co-chairman of the league’s competition committee, I’ll make sure we take a look at the rules protecting quarterbacks and re-train our officials if necessary. As the NBA lockout has shown, NBA referees are looking out for number one. Recent incidents have indicated that NFL officials may be looking out for No. 12.

“Incidentally, Brady and Giselle Bundchen are considering names for their child. If it’s a girl, I’m told that Brady wants to name her either ‘Prima Donna’ or ‘Bridget Moynahan.'”

In New England, Bill Belichick wants more from his defense, especially after the Patriots defense allowed the Broncos to effortlessly move for the game-tying and game-winning scores last Sunday. To assist with that endeavor, the Patriots have signed linebacker Junior Seau.

“Junior can do a lot for this team,” says Belichick. “He’s got a wealth of experience and leadership, but I think his most likely contribution will be raising the average age of this team by at least a year.”

So, Belichick wants to see more out of his defense? Well, I’m guessing the defense wants to see more out of the offense. That means you, Tom Brady. And you, Randy Moss. If mooning fans, squirting officials, and leaving the field early will help you produce more, then by all means, do those things.

New England wins, 29-27.

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Colts-Titans Preview: Music City Miracle?

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

At the onset of the season, it appeared that Sunday’s Colts/Titans contest would pit the two AFC South frontrunners in an early battle for control of the division. However, Indy’s impressive 4-0 start, coupled with Tennessee’s disastrous 0-4 start, has diminished much of the luster of the game.

“Hey, we know the Titans are down,” says Peyton Manning. “But that doesn’t mean they’re out. If anything, they’ll be angry. How angry? Probably just as angry as NBC once they realize that flex games don’t start until Week 11.”

For the Titans, Kerry Collins is still the starter. But Jeff Fisher realizes the situation may soon call for a drastic change at quarterback.

“If Vince Young is looking for redemption,” says Fisher, “this may be his chance. Second chances are a lot like Vince’s Wonderlic scores—he’s lucky to get two or three.”

“Our 0-4 start is certainly deflating, but not tragic. It doesn’t require a eulogy by any means, but it would make a great subject for a heartbreaking country song involving drowning your sorrows in whiskey. And since Kerry Collins has experience in country music and whiskey, he’s perfectly qualified to author the song.”

Only one team in NFL history has made the playoffs after starting the season 0-4. So it’s going to take a “Music City Miracle” for the Titans to see the postseason. For Fisher, that miracle starts on Sunday night. Neither Collins nor Young get the start. Instead, Fisher surprises everyone by starting Frank Wycheck, who starts the scoring by throwing a lateral on the first snap, which is picked up by the Colts Marlin Jackson and returned for a touchdown.

Manning keeps the Titans at bay for the rest of the game.

Colts win, 31-24.

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Steelers vs. Lions Preview: Big Ben Better Off in Detroit Than Reno

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

It may be true when they say “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” but what happens in Lake Tahoe, well, that’ll follow you all the way home to Pittsburgh. Twice.

Ben Roethlisberger, who was sued for sexual assault in July by a Harrah’s Casino employee in Reno, is now being sued by anotherHarrah’s employee, who claims he was fired when Roethlisberger complained that the employee demanded to see identification for a woman at Roethlisberger’s table.

“I’ll be darned if I ever go there again,” says Roethlisberger. “Call it my ‘last Harrah’s.’ Incidentally, my favorite football player right now is Seattle Seahawks safety Lawyer Milloy. If this guy were in front of me right now, somebody’d have to hold me back. I guess I’d tell him the same thing I told her: ‘I’d like to hit that.'”

“If country legend Johnny Cash was here to put this to music, he’d definitely sing about ‘A Boy Named Sue.’ Well, this plaintiff needs to familiarize himself with the lyrics of Cash’s ‘Folsom Prison Blues,’ particularly the lines that reads ‘I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.'”

The Steelers will play at Detroit’s Ford Field for the first time since winning Super Bowl XL. The Lions will be without rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford, who injured his knee last week against the Bears.

“Who says teams don’t win Super Bowl in Detroit?” says Stafford.

The Lions have a chance in this game, ifwide receiver Calvin Johnson catches 25 passes for 310 yards and 3 touchdowns. But the Steelers defense isn’t that shaky.

They’ll take away Johnson, and the offense will utilize emerging threat Rashard Mendenhall on the ground, and Roethlisberger will be as carefree in the pocket as he was in Reno back in 2008.

Pittsburgh wins, 34-17

 

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Vikings-Rams Preview: Minnesota Fat on Dome Life

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

If there was a shred of doubt concerning Brett Favre’s ability, arm strength, motivation, or boyish enthusiasm, it was put to rest last Monday in the Vikings’ 30-23 win over the Packers. If revenge was indeed a factor, Favre showed it only by carving up the Green Bay pass defense for 271 yards and three touchdowns.

“My gosh,” says Favre, “my offensive line gave me so much time to throw that on one play I actually contemplated retirement and changed my mind twice before I had to throw.

“I think this game proves that I have no ill will towards the Packers. I feel I displayed the utmost respect and reverence in destroying them. If there were any hard feelings, well, that baggage has been ‘Packed.’

“I want to thank the Packers for allowing me to play for 16 years. Mostly, though, I want to thank them for not allowing me to play that 17th year. There’s no way I would have survived behind that offensive line.”

In stark contrast to the 4-0 Vikings, the Rams are 0-4 after their second shutout loss, a 35-0 whipping at the hands of division rival San Francisco. Quarterback Kyle Boller will face a Vikings defense that sacked Aaron Rodgers eight times.

Defensive end Jared Allen recorded 4.5 of those sacks and also forced a fumble, a performance that solidified his position as a front-runner for NFL Defensive Player of the Year.

“I’ve already got my outfit picked out to wear to the awards ceremony,” says Allen. “It’s a camouflage wife-beater with a bow tie, accessorized with a cummerbund loaded with 12-gauge shotgun shells. You’ve got to dress to impress. Just as I do on the field. Not many guys can wear No. 69 and make it work. Me in jersey No. 69? Cool. Slow-pitch softball player in No. 69? Not cool.”

Help is on the way for the Rams. Conservative talk show blowhard Rush Limbaugh is partnering with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. Quick, somebody tell Limbaugh that there’s no such position on a football team known as “right wing.”

Minnesota would be ripe for the picking in a letdown were they playing anyone but the Rams. But Adrian Peterson takes control, giving Favre the chance to rest his arm with just 20 passes. Peterson rushes for 146 yards and two touchdowns. The Rams get on the board late on a Steven Jackson score, verifying that the lights on the “home” side of the scoreboard do, in fact, work.

Minnesota wins, 30-7.

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Seahawks-Colts Preview: Indy’s Well-Oiled Machine Awaits Seattle

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The undefeated Colts welcome the ailing Seahawks to Lucas Oil Stadium, the “House That Lube Built,” home of Peyton Manning and the well-oiled Indy offense, which often operates as if at the mercy of a shot clock.

Not known for time-consuming, 14-to-18 play drives, the Colts scored four touchdowns on the Cardinals last week on drives all of six minutes or less.

“Hey, no one’s ever accused me of eating clock,” says Manning. “I can’t speak for my brother Eli, though.

“Anyway, time of possession is such an overrated statistic. When is a plodding, run-heavy offense really that useful, except for maybe in the playoffs and/or in the snow in New England?

“I know where all this is headed, though. As soon as we lose a few games, we’ll be criticized for the very thing for which we’ve been praised.”

For Seattle’s Edgerrin James, Sunday’s game will be a homecoming of sorts. James was with the Colts for seven years before leaving for Arizona as a free agent. Now, he’s a backup for the Seahawks.

“I wish I could stand here and tell you that I wish I’d never left,” says James. “But that would make me sound like Marvin Harrison under police questioning.

“The truth is, I wish I was still a Colt. Why? Look at this offense. I wouldn’t have to do a thing except pick up a blitz every now and then, or run a stretch play for a yard or two.

“Plus, the stadium’s brand new, and they’ve got a kicker named Adam Nougatieri. That’s funny, because when I was here, whenever someone mentioned our kicker’s name, all you heard were ‘snickers.'”

Colts win, 29-17.

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