Chiefs Vs Raiders Preview: Talking “Smack”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The 1-7 Chiefs visit Oakland to face the 2-6 Raiders in a battle of AFC West rivals whose off-the-field issues have provided more drama than anything that’s occurred on the field. The Chiefs released Larry Johnson, and allegations of a history of violence continue to dog Raider’s head coach Tom Cable.

“As you’ve heard,” says Al Davis, “Cable’s ex-wife and a former girlfriend have alleged that he abused them. This news, coupled with Randy Hanson’s charges that Cable punched him, certainly leaves the Raider organization with a black eye. For the eye-patched Raiders, that’s two eyes obstructed, which would have to explain why no one could corroborate Hanson’s story, even though several apparently witnessed it. It seems to be a Cable ‘cabal,’ of which I’m a part of.

“Now, Cable and I have discussed the abuse allegations at great length. By ‘great length,’ I mean it took us forever to address all of them. But I think we made progress. I’m from the NFL’s ‘old school.’ Never did I realize that talking ‘smack’ could be so productive.”

Johnson was released early this week and has already cleared waivers. In place of Johnson, former University of Texas speedster Jamaal Charles will start.

“Larry Johnson had to go,” says Todd Haley. “Since I’ve been here, I’ve preached a ‘take no prisoners’ approach to the game. And since Larry was destined for prison, we couldn’t take him any more. And we didn’t ‘slur’ our speech when we told him so. Now, I’m sure Larry will find another home. But for Christ’s sake, don’t mention anything about him ‘playing for the other team.’ I don’t think he’d take that too well.”

“As for the Raiders, distractions have historically proven either to tear a team apart or bring them closer together. I think the latter applies here. If there’s one thing Cable is capable of doing, it’s making the Raiders a team of ‘world-beaters.'”

Oakland wins, 27-16.

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Eagles Vs Chargers Preview: Monkeys On The Backs

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Two of the best quarterbacks never to have won a Super Bowl face off in San Diego, as Donovan McNabb leads the Eagle against Philip Rivers and the Chargers. Both teams are 5-3 and in second in their respective divisions.

“I guess Donovan and I both have ‘monkeys’ on our backs,” says Philip Rivers. “We’re both looking to rid ourselves of animals. Obviously, McNabb’s had more success leaving wildlife behind, because he’s left ‘yak’ on the field on numerous occasions.”

“Now, before information gets skewed, let’s just clarify that Lawrence Taylor was the ‘L.T.’ arrested a few days ago for leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn’t LaDainian Tomlinson. It couldn’t have been. Heck, LaDainian almost always stops on contact.”

Without the versatility of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles’ offense was simply “pedestrian” in last week’s 20-16 loss to the Cowboys. That would explain why David Akers “walked” on to the field for three field goals, as the offense stalled. Red zone efficiency will be tantamount to success in Sunday’s contest in San Diego.

“Tantamount?” says Donovan McNabb. “I love that word, especially when used as a verb. Anyway, we need this game just as badly as the Chargers. And, in case anyone’s forgotten, particularly a former felon who thinks he deserves more playing time, the quarterback of this team is named ‘Mc Nabb,’ not ‘Vc Nabb.'”

Eagles win, 26-23.

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Cowboys vs Eagles Preview: Romo, “It’s Like A Playoff Game”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

When these two teams last met, it was the final week of the 2008 season, with playoff implications on the line for both teams. That game ended with a 44-6 Philly win, which the Eagles rode all the way to the NFC Championship Game. This time, the stakes aren’t as high, but first place in the NFC East awaits the winner.

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” says Tony Romo. “I’m treating this like a playoff game. That’s good news for the Eagles and bad news for the Cowboys.”

“As for rumors of a brewing controversy over me getting each of my receivers enough touches, well, that’s nothing new to me. Heck, I can’t tell you how many times last year I was accused of inappropriate ‘touching.’ Anyway, I’m not at all like Jessica Simpson — there’s not enough of me to spread around.”

With a win, the Eagles would not only take sole possession of first in the division, but they’d also proudly sport three consecutive wins over division opponents.

“I fully expect the Cowboys to come here with their game faces on,” says Donovan McNabb. “Last year, they came in the same way, but left unable to even face themselves , with their heads hung so low they could see their tails between their legs.”

“On Sunday, they’ll have to deal with the hottest player in the league, DeSean Jackson, who’s a threat to cross the goal line any time he steps on the field. We just hope he has the ball when he does it.”

Philadelphia wins, 30-26.

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Chargers vs. Giants Preview: Draft Dodger

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional

Philip Rivers and Eli Manning will forever be linked by the 2004 NFL draft, in which Manning was selected first by the Chargers, then traded to the Giants for Rivers, whom the Giants selected fourth. The two young quarterbacks will meet in Giants Stadium on Sunday, with their respective teams heading in opposite directions—the Chargers have won two straight, while the G-Men have dropped their past three.

“Of course, everyone knows that Manning had publicly refused to play for the Chargers if they drafted him,” Rivers said. “Well, you can stop the John Elway comparisons right there. Sure, they’re both ‘draft dodgers,’ but until Eli can give an overrated coach two Super Bowl wins, he won’t be mentioned in the same breath with Elway.”

“Less than a month ago, the Giants were undefeated and topping the list of many power rankings. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. And we thought Plaxico Burress’ fall from grace was quick. It seems the G-Men, like Burress, have nearly lost their manhood.”

If the Chargers are to win on the road, they’ll have to get some pressure on Manning. Shawne Merriman, once one of the most feared sack artists in the league, has managed only two sacks so far this year.

“One has to wonder,” Manning said, “whether Merriman’s past success can be attributed to performance-enhancing drugs. It seems odd that as soon as he got ‘clean,’ he’d be ‘washed up.'”

It’s time for the Giants to get back to what they do best—running the ball first and allowing Manning to throw wobbly passes into single coverage later. Rivers will keep the Chargers close by taking advantage of the Giants’ defensive backfield, which lately has shown less coverage than a fishnet bikini.

New York wins, 24-19.

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Green Bay Packers vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers Preview: “Where” Protection? (Humor)

With thoughts of exacting revenge on Brett Favre now retired, the Packers can set their sights on more attainable goals, like beating the Buccaneers, or snatching a wild card playoff berth. Green Bay fell 38-26 to the Vikings as Favre out-dueled his replacement, Aaron Rodgers, at Lambeau Field.

“I wanted that win badly,” says Aaron Rodgers, “for my own selfish reasons. I think Favre, of all people, can respect that. But revenge will have to wait. The Vikes completed the sweep, so that ship has sailed. Luckily, there’s another boat in Tampa, and like the Bucs, it’s not going anywhere.

“As you know, I’ve been sacked 31 times this year, with almost half of those courtesy of the Vikings. I think I need to have a ‘birds and the bees’ talk with my offensive line and tell ’em the same thing my daddy told me: ‘Where protection?'”

The Bucs and head coach Raheem Morris made a quarterback switch in their bye week, and rookie Josh Freeman will start against the Packers over Josh Johnson.

“I hear Rodgers had a street named after him in Green Bay,” says Morris. “Was it a cul de sack? Anyway, Rodgers is a good role model for my young quarterbacks to follow. Despite being sacked that often, he maintains a good attitude. If you’re going down that much, you’ve got to know how to ‘pick yourself up’ to remain successful.”

Usually, it’s quarterbacks gifting their offensive linemen with fancy watches. Not in Green Bay. Each of Rodger’s offensive linemen presented their quarterback with a pocket watch, with a note wishing Rodgers luck “finding time” to throw. Rodgers throws for 225 yards and two scores, and Ryan Grant rushes for 138 yards and a touchdown. Green Bay wins, 29-13.

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Ravens vs. Bengals Preview: Just Too “Tweet”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Week Eight was a bye week for the Bengals. For the Bengals of old, bye weeks were always good to tie up loose legal ends, or possibly meet with the commissioner and discuss terms of suspension. Not the 2009 Bengals. Their bye week was spent on more standard endeavors, like rest, relaxation, and publicizing a new social network.

“That’s Chad Ochocinco for you,” Carson Palmer said. “You know, in times past, we’ve had trouble with players who were ‘trigger’ happy; now we’ve got one who’s ‘Twitter’ happy. The guy’s a social butterfly. If he were as ambitious on the field as he is off, he’d be as great as he already thinks he is. Chad’s taking Twitter to a new level of exposure. Call it a ‘Twitter World Order.’”

“Yeah, it’s just too ‘Tweet,’” says Ochocinco. “I’m easily the most media-savvy player the NFL has ever seen. I’m the only one who can keep pace on the information superhighway. It’s easy when you talk a mile a minute all the time.”

The Ravens busted out of a three-game losing streak in style, overwhelming the previously undefeated Broncos 30-7. Now they’re chomping at the bit to avenge Week Five’s 17-14 loss to Cincinnati in Baltimore.

“Hey, I’ve got jungle fever,” Ray Lewis said. “I guess that would explain these wild, erratic convulsions that seemingly always take place during player introductions. Me? I’m not one to connect with people online. I prefer to communicate face-to-face, and in the case of media moguls like Ochocinco, helmet-to-helmet. I’m great friends with Chad off the field, but on the field, I’d give anything for a chance to tear Ochocinco a new uno .’”

Do the Bengals get any respect? Obviously not. They’re leading the NFC North and they’re coming off a bye week, yet they’re still three-point underdogs. That can’t sit in their craws well. I’m willing to bet that Pete Rose has money on the home team. But the Ravens won’t let the North race become a two-team race between the Bengals and Steelers.

Joe Flacco throws for 234 yards and two scores, and the Ravens win 27-20. Afterward, Flacco puts his gear up for sale, with proceeds going to charity, at a local Starbuck’s, where one unwitting fan forks more than $1,200 for a “cup a Joe.”

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Panthers-Cardinals: Jake Delhomme, Number of the “Least”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

 

After a dismal three-interception, no-touchdown performance in a 20-9 loss to the Bills, it appears Jake Delhomme’s days as Carolina’s starter are numbered.

Delhomme has struggled all year, and his downfall seemed to begin with last year’s 33-13 playoff loss to the Cardinals, a game in which Delhomme threw five picks. The Panthers travel to Arizona probably seeking mercy more so than vengeance.

“It’s safe to say Jake is not the most popular player on the team right now,” says John Fox. “Heck, I fear for his safety as much as I do for my job. Only in Carolina is a ‘roughing the passer’ penalty called on the offense .”

“Statistically, Jake’s having the worst season of his career. His passer rating is a lowly 56.5. I’m not sure, but that’s got to be near the bottom, if not the worst, in the league. It’s not 66.6, which is the ‘number of the beast.’ It’s much worse. It’s the ‘number of the least.'”

The Cards have won two-straight, and are beginning to resemble the team that nearly won the Super Bowl last year. Arizona is even 2-0 on the East Coast after failing to win there at all in last year’s regular season.

“People may be surprised to hear this,” says Kurt Warner, “but our rush defense is ranked No. 1 in the NFL. So Bibles aren’t the only thing getting ‘thumped’ around here.

“It’s that kind of commitment to success that keeps me around. That, and the words of the ‘good book.’ And by ‘good book,’ I don’t mean an offensive playbook featuring three talented wide receivers and very little running. Anyway, you can poke fun at my religious conviction all you want, but I’m not phased. Don’t hate the ‘prayer,’ hate the game.”

Anquan Boldin is nursing an ankle injury, so look for the No. 3 wide receiver to play a larger role in the offense, a situation Matt Leinart refers to as “Breast'” enhancement.

 

Arizona wins, 34-13.

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Jaguars Vs. Titans Preview: Vince Young, This ‘Bud’s’ for You

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

If the sight of Tennessee Head Coach Jeff Fisher in a Peyton Manning jersey has proved anything, it’s that Titan attempts at humor should be best left to the field of play. Fisher is still feeling the backlash after he removed his coat and tie to reveal a No. 18 Manning jersey at a fundraiser just days after a humiliating 59-0 loss to the Patriots.

“Hey, what’s the big deal?” says Fisher. “Usually, when there’s a Titan around and someone starts removing clothing, people get shot. This was just harmless fun.”

“What’s wrong with being able to laugh at ourselves? Heck, everybody else is. In hindsight, however, I guess it wasn’t a wise thing to do. I think most people are surprised that an intelligent, reserved man such as myself would pull that type of stunt. I guess even the best of us drop a ‘smart bomb’ on occasion.”

Unlike the Titans, the Jaguars have something to play for, and that’s a futile chase to catch the Colts in the AFC South race. The Jags are 3-3 and realize that losing games to winless teams will quickly undermine playoff aspirations.

“I, like many, was stunned to see Fisher in a Manning jersey,” says Jack Del Rio. “But at least the sight of Fisher in a Manning jersey makes waves. That’s more than you can say about the sight of Vince Young in a Titans jersey. Heck, there’s no way Fisher should be fired, despite Tennessee’s awful start. As a fellow coach, I don’t want to see him lose his job. Especially since I might be the guy he replaces.”

Titans owner Bud Adams has insisted that Young start over Kerry Collins against the Jaguars. Hey Vince, rejoice. This Bud’s ‘for’ you.

Jacksonville wins, 30-24.

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Why a Loss to the Broncos Could End The Ravens’ Season

With three consecutive losses, the Ravens desperately need a win to keep pace with the division-leading Bengals and Steelers, who are 5-2. A win over the Broncos will keep Baltimore hot on their tails. However, a loss means Baltimore falls below .500 for the first time this year, a scenario Ray Lewis would like to avoid.

“3-4?” quoth the Raven. “3-4? We don’t want to go there. I think even the great Edgar Allan Poe would agree that that would probably result in a ‘Premature Burial’ of our playoff plans.”

“If nothing else, though, we’re playing for pride. Defensively, we’re not playing up to our capabilities. We’re lacking passion and fire. In keeping with the Poe theme, who was known to have a drinking problem, we’re suffering from an ‘absinthe’ of malice.”

Josh McDaniels has brought youthful exuberance to the head coaching position in Denver, and the players have quickly bought into his system. The Broncos are 6-0 and boast a three-game lead in the AFC West.

“I wear my emotions on my sleeve,” says McDaniels, “whereas Mike Shanahan wore his on his face. It’s no wonder Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall were ‘seeing red’ when I got here — they had been conditioned to do so.”

“I’ll put my defense up against the Ravens any day. ‘The Raven’ may be big in Baltimore, but ‘The Hawk,’ Brian Dawkins is hot in Denver. I’d like to say this is a contest between two great defenses, but I can’t. Because the Ravens are playing.”

Broncos win, 19-17

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Dolphins-Jets Preview: “Wiener” Takes All

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The Jets are 4-3 after blasting the Raiders 38-0 in Oakland while forcing the benching of JaMarcus Russell.

After Mark Sanchez threw five interceptions in the Jets’ loss to the Bills, New York kept the offense simple, calling a whopping 54 rushes while passing only 15 times.

“I think that’s a gentle way of the offensive coordinator saying, ‘We don’t have faith in you,'” says Sanchez. “As opposed to the more abrupt manner of saying the same thing, which I experienced while walking along the New Jersey Turnpike, where I was nailed in the noggin with a can tossed by an obviously frustrated Jets fan, who yelled, ‘Hey, think fast, Sanchez.’

“Obviously, I don’t have to think fast when throwing only 15 times, nor when I’m gobbling a hot dog in the Black Hole. Already I regret doing that, but not nearly as much as I regret actually saying, ‘gobbling a hot dog in the Black Hole.'”

Miami nearly pulled off an upset of the undefeated Saints last week, blowing a 24-3 lead before falling 46-34. That loss left the ‘Fins with a 2-4 record, good for last in the AFC East. So Sunday’s game in the Meadowlands has to be considered a must-win game.

“Before we get a nation of teeny-boppers all aflutter,” says Tony Sparano, “let’s just clarify this story about ‘Mark Sanchez’s wiener.’ It’s a hot dog, folks. If one New York player equates playing the Raiders to a ‘scrimmage,’ then it’s perfectly fine for another New York player to enjoy a frank during another Oakland destruction.

“Heck, this isn’t a first for a Jet quarterback. Joe Namath tried to enjoy a foot-long on the sidelines before, but Suze Kolber would have no part of it. She obviously didn’t want to go ‘all the way.'”

With a 31-27 loss to the Dolphins in Week Five still fresh in their minds, vengeance is in the heads of the Jets. Revenge won’t come unless New York can find a solution to stopping Miami’s “wildcat” offense, which baffled them earlier.

Maybe the answer is giving the Dolphins a taste of their own medicine, though. Rex Ryan may be a defensive genius, but he’s got some offensive ideas up his sleeve as well, like the “public option,” a variation of the wishbone that gives Sanchez four options, none involving a pass.

New York wins, 22-20.

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