NFL Week 17 Predictions: Ins and Outs

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

San Francisco @ St. Louis (+7)

With a win in St. Louis, the 49ers would finish 8-8, with a winning percentage just slightly lower than Alex Smith’s completion percentage, but much higher than the typical percentage fee charged by bail bondsmen, or, as known to Michael Crabtree, “agent responsible for negotiating my financial security.”

“Hey, I’ve learned a lot this year,” says Crabtree. “Most importantly, the fact that in contract negotiations, it’s best if your agent doesn’t carry a sidearm. I’ve heard of signing contracts with a ballpoint, but never at gunpoint.

“And speaking of ‘warning shots,’ a win over the Rams would give us a 5-1 division record, best in the West, and would signal to our division rivals that there’ll be a new sheriff in town come 2010.

“And said sheriff’s gun won’t be just for show. With the Christmas season past us, sightings of flying reindeer will become just as rare as sightings of ‘winning’ Rams. In St. Louis, we’ll prove that men are men, and sheep are nervous.”

Frank Gore rushes for 102 yards and a touchdown, and the 49ers ground out a 24-20 win.

 

NY Giants @ Minnesota (-9)

With reasons for motivation in abundance, the Giants played with a total lack of it in a 41-9 destruction at the hands of the Panthers last week.

Sunday’s game was the last at Giants Stadium, and New York was desperate for a win to strengthen hope for a playoff berth, but the G-Men laid an egg anyway, turning the ball over four times and surrendering 247 yards on the ground.

“One would think,” says Eli Manning, “that with Lawrence Taylor in attendance, we would have gone out there and played like a bunch of crazed dogs. But the presence of a ‘slimmed down’ Taylor doesn’t quite pack the motivational punch of a ‘coked up’ Taylor. In a time of year when many make vows to be better, we showed very little ‘New York resolution.'”

The Giants will face the Vikings, who lost for the third time in their last four game with a 36-30 overtime loss at Chicago on Monday night. Minnesota would clinch the number two seed with a win and a Philadelphia loss, while a loss would drop them to either the number three or four seed.

“That’s right,” says Brad Childress. “It’s a case of an NFC power struggle. Oh no, I’m not talking about the Vikings, Eagles, and Cardinals. I’m talking about Brett Favre and myself battling over who’s making decisions on this team.

“You would think Favre would acquiesce at least once in his life, but when have we known Favre to ‘walk away’ from anything in his career? Does he think just because he’s one of the NFL’s all-time greats he can do as he please?

“Maybe he should star in a movie called There’s Something About Legend-ary . You know, Joe Montana had no trouble at all walking away from the game. And nothing could drag him back, not even an exorbitant appearance fee to show up at Super Bowl XL in celebration of the games’ MVPs.”

Vikings win, 31-24.

 

Jacksonville @ Cleveland (-3)

Just four weeks ago, the Jaguars were 7-5 and first in line for one of the AFC’s two wild card berths. Since then, they’ve lost three straight, and although they’re still in contention, they’d need a series of unlikely events to clinch a playoff spot.

“This is Florida,” says Jack Del Rio. “Stranger things have happened. Hopefully, we’ll remain motivated, and maybe a ‘spirited practice’ or two will change the course of history.

“We just need to handle our business and beat the Browns, which won’t be easy in Cleveland Stadium. We’re 2-5 on the road, which is awful, so we need to treat this as if it’s a home game. That will be easy, because there will be about 126 Jag fans in the crowd.

“As for those reports that have the Jags drafting Tim Tebow, as well as Urban Meyer replacing me as coach, well, those Jesus freaks may be able to put people in the pews , but not in the stands . This team doesn’t need to be closer to God; we need to be closer to the Colts.”

The Browns walloped the Raiders 23-9, improving to 4-11 and now riding the wave of a three-game winning streak. Eric Mangini has remained collected in the face of recent front office changes, and that calm demeanor has been the catalyst for the Browns recent run.

“Coach Mangini has a lot of support,” says Joshua Cribbs, “mostly in his girdle. But the attitude in the locker room is a far cry from what it was early in the season. Earlier this year, the team was standing firmly behind him, but that was when asked if we’d take a bullet for him.

“Now, he has our full support, and he’s kept this team together. We’re cool. He’s cool. So cool, in fact, that we no longer call him the ‘Ice Man(gini).’ Now, he goes by the moniker ‘Funky Cold Mangini.'”

Jags finally play like it means something and wins, 23-16 . In the end, though, it doesn’t mean anything.

 

Pittsburgh @ Miami (+3)

The Steelers are 9-7 after a big win against the Ravens, and while their playoff hopes are slim, there’s still a chance Pittsburgh could slip in.

The Steelers need to win in Miami, and would benefit from losses by the Ravens, Jets, Broncos, and Texans.

“Five-game losing streaks tend to loosen your grip on destiny,” says Ben Roethlisberger. “And make your teammates start questioning your toughness. And cause your coach to make unwise decisions, like onside kicking with a lead .

“And make you start doubting whether Head And Shoulders shampoo does, in fact, provide seven benefits to healthy hair, or is there something in it that is keeping your star safety from playing. If there’s one thing this defense is lacking, it’s mettle, ‘hair’ mettle.”

Despite losing to the Texans last week to fall to 7-8, the Dolphins still have a chance to make the playoffs, but the explanation of such a scenario would be a difficult concept to comprehend even for Jets coach Rex Ryan, much less the average football fan.

In fact, Dolphins coach Tony Sparano is himself surprised that the ‘Fins have a chance.

“Just when I think I’m out,” says Sparano, “they pull me back in. That’s what my great-grandfather Vito Sparano said back in ’35 when he tried to get out of the family olive oil business to pursue a career in the circus. And it applies to our playoff chances this year.

“Now, from what I understand, we need to win, and the Jets, Ravens, Broncos, Texans, and Jaguars all need to lose. Sure, the odds are long, but nobody wants to see me throw in the towel, lest not on the season, and especially not in the sauna.”

Steelers win, 27-20 .

 

New England @ Houston (-7)

The Patriots clinched the AFC West with a convincing 35-7 rout of the Jaguars as Randy Moss caught three touchdown passes from Tom Brady.

Since his low point against the Panthers, when his heart was questioned, Moss has caught four TD passes, and the Pats again look like a team to be reckoned with.

“There was never any doubt in my mind that Randy would be ready for the postseason,” says Brady. “When has he ever been caught ‘with his pants down’ in the playoffs? Despite Joe Buck’s overreaction to that incident, Randy did not, in fact, pull his pants down. It was a ‘simulated’ mooning, just as Randy’s effort is often ‘simulated.'”

While the Patriots are in, the Texans are still fighting for a playoff spot, and need a win, plus two losses among the Jets, Broncos, and Ravens.

Houston features the NFL’s yardage leaders in passing and receiving in Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson, respectively.

“Andre is Moss without the drama,” says Schaub, “and the hillbilly homeboy accent.”

“Win or lose, though, you’d have to say we’ve had a successful season. If just a few balls would have gone our way, particularly, two over the crossbar against the Colts, then we’d be facing a vastly different situation right now. That’s why we call our kicker, Kris Brown, by his wife’s name, ‘Miss’ Brown.”

Bill Belichick has said that “whoever plays, plays” in regards to how much his starters will play against the Texans.

Quick, somebody chisel that into a stone tablet so, 1,000 years from now, some genius can translate so everyone will know what the hell those words mean.

Schaub throws for 315 yards and three scores, two to Johnson, and the Texans win, 31-17.

 

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (-1)

The Bucs stunning overtime defeat of the Saints left many observers doing a double-take, including Saints owner Tom Benson, who unwittingly celebrated a Saints win although New Orleans kicker Garrett Hartley missed the game-winning field goal.

But those double-takes pale in comparison to the “spit-takes” unleashed in reaction to rumors that Bill Cowher may be the new head coach of the Buccaneers.

“Hey, you know what they say about rumors,” says Cadillac Williams. “‘Loose lips sink ships.’ Well, if Cowher is, in fact, headed to Tampa, that saying should be revised to ‘Loose lips rebuild ships.’ But let’s not jump too far ahead on this matter.

“The ink’s not even dry on the contract, nor is the spittle. Raheem Morris is still the coach, but in the world of the impatient Glazer brothers, owners of the Bucs, a coach can be gone in a heartbeat. If you listen closely, you can hear music coming from the pirate ship in the end zone. It’s Nancy Sinatra’s ‘This Plank Was Made For Walking.'”

Atlanta wins, 23-21.

 

New Orleans @ Carolina (-7)

It’s not often a 13-2 team can be classified as “reeling,” but the Saints, who just weeks ago looked like the favorite as NFC champions, have now lost two in a row.

After being bullied by the Cowboys on Dec. 19, the Saints blew a 17-0 lead to the Bucs and lost 20-17 in overtime.

On Sunday, they face a rejuvenated Panthers team that would like nothing more than to knock the Saints down another notch.

“Obviously, we’ve lost our ‘meaux jeaux,'” says Drew Brees. “Maybe it’s lost somewhere in our rush defense, and I’m sure the Panthers, decent people that they are, will offer us ample opportunity to find it.

“But thanks to the Vikings loss on Monday, we’ve clinched homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. And we’ve got to thank the Bears for that. Heck, they owed us. The last time a Bear showed that much generosity, Mike Ditka gave away our entire draft for Ricky Williams.”

The Panthers pasted the Giants 41-9 for their second straight impressive victory after Week 15’s 26-7 win over the Vikings.

Matt Moore threw for 3 touchdowns in the win over the Giants, and has made a strong case to keep the starting job in 2010. Moore is 3-1 in his four starts this year.

“Jake’s stock has sunk like a rock in the swamps of his native state of Louisiana,” says John Fox. “Since he broke his finger and Matt’s started, this team’s done a complete ‘Bayou’-turn. Not only that, but Julius Peppers has lately been playing like a man possessed. And that’s as it should be. At a price of $1 million per game, you’d think we’d need an exorcist to manage Peppers’ ‘possession.'”

Panthers win, 30-20.

 

Philadelphia @ Dallas (-3)

The NFC East title will be on the line when the 10-4 Cowboys host the 11-5 Eagles.

Dallas locked up a playoff spot with a 17-0 win in Washington on Sunday night. If you watched that broadcast on NBC, you saw the video of Jerry Jones saying he didn’t feel the need for a coaching change, although he would like that feeling “ratified” by a playoff win.

The Cowboys’ last postseason success came in 1996.

“I regularly have my feelings ‘ratified’ by beautiful blonde starlets,” says Tony Romo. “But you know Jerry, he’s the only owner who can offer a vote of confidence and and then a backhanded retraction in the same sentence .”

The Eagles, winners of their last six, appear primed for a postseason run much like last year’s, which culminated in a loss in Arizona in the NFC Championship Game.

“We’re certainly the hottest team in the NFC right now,” says Donovan McNabb. “Most of the credit for our success in that span goes to DeSean Jackson, who can break down defenses in a number of ways. He’s carried us. I haven’t seen this many people relying on a ‘Jackson’ since Michael Jackson passed away. His kin give parasites a bad name.

“Anyway, the Cowboys have as much to gain with a win as we do. And just as much to lose. This is truly a ‘loser leaves town’ match. The loser likely goes on the road for the first-round of the playoffs.”

Romo out-duels McNabb, and throws for 245 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the Cowboys win, 34-28.

 

Indianapolis @ Buffalo (-7)

Hey, the Colts used to be members of the AFC East, and a feeling of overwhelming nostalgia must have been responsible for Indianapolis’s seasonal kindness towards their former East rivals.

Jim Caldwell pulled Peyton Manning and several starters in the third quarter, thus enabling the Jets to storm back from a 15-10 deficit to a 29-15 win, a victory which kept their playoff hopes alive.

“And that had to thrill the members of the 1972 Dolphins team,” says Peyton Manning. “With our many undefeated starts, we’ve made it a habit to please those old timers quite often when we lose. You could say we’re like their colostomy bags—we’re the reason they can ‘relieve’ themselves.”

“As you could tell by my agitated state on the sideline, I was not very happy with Jim Caldwell’s decision to pull the starters. But let’s give him credit—it’s the first decision he’s made all year. And who am I to argue with a decision a coach makes? Wait a minute. I change nearly every play called in the huddle.”

The Colts will face a 5-10 Bills team eager for a win, no matter how tainted.

“Hey, if the Colts want to play their second- and third-string,” says Terrell Owens, “it’s fine by us. It might be the first evenly-matched game we’ve played this year. And I think it’s wrong for Colts fans to be upset with Caldwell’s decision. Don’t call the man names. Well, if you must call him a name. why not call him the ‘Skeet Shooter,’ because where his starters are concerned, he’s always saying ‘Pull!'”

Indianapolis wins, 24-21.

 

Chicago @ Detroit (+3)

In the Bears’ 36-30 overtime win over the Vikings on Monday night, Jay Cutler threw for 273 yards and four touchdowns, including the game-winning score in overtime.

“That’s the kind of performance we expected out of Cutler when we traded for him in the offseason,” says Lovie Smith. “Maybe the expectations were just too much for Jay to live up to. God knows Rex Grossman set the bar high.

“In hindsight, the trade wasn’t a good idea. If I had it to do over, I probably would have ordered Cutler and Josh McDaniels to seek couples counseling. It would have done us good had they stayed together. I think we celebrated a little too much here when Cutler arrived. He was feted. Since then, for the most part, he’s been fetid .”

Lions win, 27-24.

 

Washington @ San Diego (-6½)

The Chargers clinched a first-round bye with a 42-17 win on Christmas over the Titans. With the longest current winning streak in the league right now, at 10, many feel that San Diego will be the most dangerous team in the playoffs.

“Do you know what rhymes with ‘first-round bye?'” says Philip Rivers. “‘Evil eye.’ And that’s exactly what we’re giving the Colts. People say lightning doesn’t strike twice. It already has where Indy is concerned. I don’t want to say we’re certain to beat the Colts should we meet. I’m just saying their chances to beat us are far from a ‘lock’; they’re a ‘dead bolt.'”

In Washington, the talk of Mike Shanahan’s hiring has become louder, and Jim Zorn’s firing has become imminent. The ‘Skins suffered their first shutout of the year, falling 17-0 to Dallas last week.

“There’s a lot of unhappy people in Washington,” says Albert Haynesworth. “And I’m one of them, which proves the age-old adage that money, not even $100 million, can buy happiness. It does, however, pay off quite a few fines.

“I would love to have a coach like Mike Shanahan in Washington. Right now, there’s nothing of his caliber in Washington, except for maybe the contents of Gilbert Arenas’ locker.”

San Diego wins, 27-13.

 

Baltimore @ Oakland (+10)

Despite losing to the Steelers last week, the Ravens still have a firm grasp on their playoff destiny, needing a win to qualify.

They have to do that in Oakland against the unpredictable Raiders, a team that has beaten the Steelers and Bengals this year, yet lost to the Browns last week. Ray Lewis and his fellow Ravens know that there is a job to do.

“‘Black Hole’ chore,” quoth the Raven. “‘Black Hole’ chore.”

“Of course, it’s never easy playing in Oakland, especially for the home team. I can’t imagine the pressure of having to please the likes of Darth Vader, Skeletor, and the hordes of other characters that occupy the Black Hole.

“And I’m sure the Grim Reaper is somewhere amidst the crowd. At least he is when he’s not busy tapping Al Davis on the shoulder. But, like the Raiders, those creatures are nothing to fear. The Raiders are mediocre; those beasts are ‘medi-ogres .'”

The lone bright spot in the Raiders’ 23-9 loss in Cleveland last week was kicker Sebastian Janikowski, who booted three field goals, including a 61-yarder, a Raiders record.

“This is something that I’ll remember forever,” says Janikowski. “I’ve had many ‘dates’ in my life, but none of them could ever say that. But ‘records’ don’t really mean much to me, because I already have one. I like my goal posts ‘upright,’ but not my dates.”

Joe Flacco throws for two scores, including the game-winner to Ray Rice, and Baltimore wins, 20-13.

 

Kansas City @ Denver (-11)

It seems that in the AFC, “destiny” is much like a hot potato: no one wants to hold it in their hands.

The Broncos are no exception. In the course of a season, Denver has gone from “sure-fire” AFC West champions (after a 6-0 start) to a “sure-fire” wild card team (8-4 after Week 13) to a team on the bubble.

That’s where they stand now.

After three consecutive losses, the Broncos are 8-7 and win or lose, need lots of help to make the playoffs.

“We’ve made our bed,” says Brandon Marshall, “and now we have to sleep in it. Unfortunately, it’s a bed of nails, which is a might more uncomfortable than former Bronco running back and procreator Travis Henry’s bed of ‘nails.’ I’m not sure what number is higher—my re ceptions, or Henry’s con ceptions.”

“Anyway, I don’t think Josh McDaniels will allow us to lose sight of our goal. He has a special way of motivation us, and can always find just the right word to move us in the right direction. That word starts with ‘f’ and ends with ‘-ers.'”

Marshall has ten catches for 99 yards and a touchdown, and the Broncos win, 24-7 .

 

Green Bay @ Arizona (-3)

With a wild card berth already sealed, all that remains for the Packers is determining their travel plans for the playoffs.

With several NFC seeding scenarios yet to be solidified, Green Bay could very well be making a return trip to Arizona for a wild card playoff game.

“It doesn’t compare to the Lambeau Field ‘mystique,'” says Aaron Rodgers, “but University of Phoenix Stadium has a certain ‘aura’ of its own. I believe it’s called a ‘roof.’ At Lambeau, you can soak up the lore of NFL championships past. You can’t do that at the U of P Stadium, although you can get an online degree.”

Due to Minnesota’s loss last week, the Cardinals have a shot at acquiring the number two seed and a first-round bye.

A win over the Packers, in conjunction with Vikings and Eagles losses, would give Arizona that distinction.

“We’d love to capture that two seed and take a week off,” says Larry Fitzgerald. “And I like our odds. Usually, when you ‘go number two,’ you ‘take a seat.'”

Arizona wins, 31-27.

 

Tennessee @ Seattle (+5)

With both the Titans and the Seahawks eliminated from the playoff picture, all of the attention in Sunday’s game in Seattle will be on Chris Johnson’s pursuit of the NFL rushing yards and yards from scrimmage records.

Johnson needs 233 yards to tie Eric Dickerson’s NFL record of 2,105 set in 1984, and needs only 74 yards to reach Marshall Faulk’s record of 2,429 yards from scrimmage set in 1999.

“It was very kind of the Seahawks to rename their venue Qwest Field on my behalf,” says Johnson. “What’s that? It’s always been called that? That’s too bad.

“Anyway, I’ll be the only brush with greatness the Seahawks have seen this year. Dickerson’s record may be out of reach, but Faulk’s is sure to fall—hard. With apologies to LenDale White, ‘Smash and Dash’ will be a solo project in Seattle.”

Johnson easily surpasses Faulk, racking up 168 yards from scrimmage, but falls short of Dickerson’s mark. However, Johnson rushes for 139 yards, bringing his season total to 2,011, which all but guarantees he’ll grace the cover of EA Sports Madden 2011 game.

Titans win, 24-17.

 

Cincinnati @ NY Jets (-9)

Cincinnati officially clinched the AFC North with a sloppy 17-10 win over the Chiefs, and will enter the playoffs as either the number three or four seed.

That seeding depends on the outcome of the Bengals Sunday night game in the Meadowlands against the Jets, as well as the New England/Houston tilt earlier in the day.

“So, by all accounts,” says Carson Palmer, “we’ll know our position before the game even starts. Let’s assume the Patriots win, which will leave us nothing to play for. In turn, our starters won’t play a full game, thus giving the Jets a likely, and needed, win.

“Apparently, there’s a consensus among playoff teams that they all want the Jets in the playoffs . So, in essence, if the Jets playoff hopes are a hot dog, then their final two games this year are ‘all the fixins,’ because with teams laying down in front of them, they Jets can go ‘all the way’ to the playoffs.”

With a win, the Jets will clinch a playoff spot regardless of what the AFC’s other six wild card contenders do.

“I resent the allegations that the Colts ‘let’ us win,” says Rex Ryan. “And I think it’s ludicrous to surmise that the Bengals will do the same because it’s advantageous for them to face us in the playoffs.

“What do we look like? The gift that keeps on giving? It is, however, ironic that the famous words of Herman Edwards, ‘You play to win the game,’ won’t be heeded by our opponents. So, once again, no one’s listening to Herman.”

Jets wins, 27-10

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Dolphins Vs Titans Preview: Chris Johnson Adds Soul To MVP Race

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

While Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, and Brett Favre have dominated the MVP talk this year, Chris Johnson has made a case that he should be in the discussion as well. Johnson leads the NFL in rushing with 1,626 yards, 347 more than his closest pursuer.

“Who says the MVP should be limited to aging white quarterbacks,” says Johnson. “Besides the aging white voters? I’m putting my foot in the door for the MVP vote. You could say I’m adding a little ‘soul’ to the race. I’ve already been guaranteed two votes from owner Bud Adams, who’s great at ‘sticking up’ for his players and team.”

“With our playoff hopes slim, some of us may be looking ahead to 2010. Not me. I’m looking towards 2,000 …yards, that is. I’ve got three games to get 374 yards. That will put me in elite company.”

At 7-6, the Dolphins trail the Patriots by a single game in the NFC East, and could still win the division, depending on several factors, most notably Randy Moss’ effort. A loss in Tennessee, however, would likely put a damper on any playoff plans for Miami.

“Hey, we’re just like the Patriots,” says Ricky Williams. “We can’t rely on Moss for anything. But, what I wouldn’t give to have Moss on my team. Moss quitting is way better than Ted Ginn, Jr. trying .”

“Now, I have to caution Johnson on the perils of having a career year. I led the NFL in rushing in 2002. Soon after that, I retired from football, with the ironic excuse that I was ‘burned out.’ But once the smoke cleared, I came back at full strength. I just want to tell Chris not to walk away from the sport in your prime. There’s a better time to do that. It’s called 4:20.”

Titans win, 27-17.

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Dallas Cowboys vs New Orleans Saints Preview: Bigger and Easier

The Saints are 13-0 and well on their way to capturing home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. The Cowboys are 8-5 and looking for their first win in December after losing to the Chargers 20-17 in Dallas.

Are the chips falling neatly into place for the Saints to move to 14-0?

“We try not to mention the term ‘perfect storm’ here in New Orleans,” says Reggie Bush. “But playing Dallas in December is almost as sure of a win as playing them in the playoffs. Especially now that Tony Romo is doing the holding on kicks. Of course, they say things are bigger in Texas. With the Cowboys in town, New Orleans just got bigger, and easier.”

“And I’m sure the Cowboys won’t feel quite as home in the primitive Superdome as they do in the luxurious confines of Cowboys Stadium. Heck, you could view the huge video screen in 3D last week. You won’t see three ‘Ds’ in the Superdome, although you most likely will see three ‘Ls.'”

Right now, Dallas holds the No. 6 seed in the playoffs, but that position will be hard to maintain considering their remaining schedule. After their date in New Orleans, Dallas goes to Washington then closes out the year by hosting the Eagles.

“We’ve got a chance to make history,” says Wade Phillips, “by surprising people. The game against Philadelphia will be crucial. That’s a winnable game. Heck, it’s in January .”

“As for me, all I’m asking for is a little respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take care, TCB. Realistically, though, with our December history, I should be singing ‘D-E-F-E-A-T-S. Take care, J-O-B. If we don’t make the playoffs, Jerry Jones may sock it to me by giving me the boot.”

Saints win, 34-23 and remain undefeated. In Roy Williams’ alternate reality world of “should haves,” Dallas is undefeated, and December has been stricken from the calendar.

 

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

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Jets Vs Buccaneers Preview: Jets Leg Out Playoff Push

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Last Thursday’s win over Buffalo, coupled win New England’s loss to Miami last Sunday, breathed new life into the Jets’ playoff aspirations. New York is 6-6 and trails the Patriots by one game, with Sunday’s visit to 1-11 Tampa a must-win on their remaining schedule.

“And we’ll need a healthy Mark Sanchez to even have a chance,” say Rex Ryan. “And that means he’ll have to display proper sliding techniques. Mark’s shown that as far as intellect is concerned, he’s very rarely classified as ‘head first.’ You may have heard that Sanchez is only the second Jets rookie to throw for 2,000 yards in a season, the other being Joe Namath. But the comparisons don’t end there. We’re simply asking of mark the same thing Joe Willie asked of Suzy Kolber — ‘Gimme some leg.'”

Tampa’s Josh Freeman threw five interceptions last week in Carolina as the Bucs dropped to 1-11 after a 16-6 loss. Freeman and his receivers will face Darrelle Revis, arguably the NFL’s best cornerback, who has dominated some of the league’s best receivers.

“I’m smart enough not to throw Revis’ way,” says Freeman, “and I’m wise enough to know when to slide. Sanchez is obviously a big fan of Van Halen, because despite his coach’s pleas, he still ends up as a ‘Diver Down.'”

With Sanchez sitting, Kellen Clemens starts, and New York rushes for 185 yards on the ground on their way to a 24-13 win . Even on the bench, Sanchez health is a concern. With the game in hand, he dives head first into a hot dog on the sideline, spraining his tonsils.

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Eagles Vs Falcons Preview: The “Woof” Is On Fire

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional .

Don’t expect any being in the Michael Vick welcoming committee to be standing on four legs. Vick makes his return to Atlanta as a Philadelphia Eagle when the 7-4 Eagles face the 6-5 Falcons in a game both teams need in order to to stay firmly in the playoff hunt.

“Of course, dogs will be on everyone’s minds because of Michael’s situation,” says Donovan McNabb. “But in Atlanta, the Southeast’s strip club Mecca, dogs always take a back seat to ‘puppies.’ I’m sure Mike and I will buddy up and hit the hot night spots while introducing ourselves as ‘Ron Mexico’ and ‘Don McMexico.'”

Injuries continue to mount for the Falcons. Michael Turner aggravated his right ankle injury, and Matt Ryan incurred a turf toe injury, has already been ruled out of Sunday’s game, and may miss more time depending on the results of further examinations.

“And this little piggy went to see a specialist,” says Ryan. “Turf toe has to be the most aggravating injury in football. It’s probably just from overuse, because I’ve been stubbing my toe all year.”

Vick is welcomed back to the Georgia Dome to the sounds of “The Woof is on Fire” from the public address system. Vick gets the last laugh, though, and marks his old territory with a seven-yard rushing touchdown in the second quarter. Eagles win, 23-20.

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Raiders-Steelers Preview: Head Games

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Although it’s too soon to panic, “worry” is not too harsh of a word to describe the Steelers’ predicament. After a tough 20-17 overtime loss to the Ravens, Pittsburgh is 6-5 and struggling to hang on for what promises to be a wild-card race decided by a number of tiebreakers. An unhappy Mike Tomlin promised the Steelers “would not go gently” and would “unleash hell” in the month of December.

“We’re by no means down for the count,” says Hines Ward, “and unlike Ben Roethlisberger, we plan to answer the bell. I don’t mean to question Roethlisberger’s commitment, but maybe a new nickname is in order, such as ‘Gentle Ben’ or ‘Ben Her.’ Ask anyone. I’ve played with a concussion on numerous occasions, and I think my show of toughness is good for my teammates to see. Heck, you know me. I’m always being accused of ‘leading with my head.'”

“Hines is entitled to his opinion,” says Roethsliberger. “But what does he think? I didn’t have a concussion? Would that be called the ‘Immaculate Concussion?’ Hines is a tough guy, and we’re all very proud. Sure he’s played with a concussion. Now I realize I’ve played with a ‘jackass.'”

The Raiders will be playing the underdog, but with 10 days to prepare, Oakland should be well-rested for a Steelers team drained from both a tough game and dissent from within.

“In-fighting amongst the Steelers is music to my ears,” says Tom Cable. “And the song that comes most to mind is Foreigner’s ‘Head Games,’ not to mention ‘Double Vision,’ and ‘Feels Like the First Time,’ an ode to Dennis Dixon. In addition, Troy Polamalu won’t be playing. Troy’s exactly what the Steelers need to emerge from their funk.

Not necessarily his defensive skills, but his even-tempered, soft-spoken mannerisms are perfect for creating unity. Besides, if you ask him about the Roethlisberger situation, he’ll just comment on his hair, or accuse you of doing so. But Troy’s gone Hollywood; he’s in more commercials than games.”

Here’s a Foreigner song the Steelers should really take a listen to: “Urgent.” With a heavy heart and a light head, Roethlisberger plays, and plays well, finding Ward for two scores, and knocking Ward to the ground with a celebratory head butt after the first score.

Pittsburgh wins, 24-6.

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NFL Thanksgiving Day Game Previews

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

 

Green Bay at Detroit

Detroit’s stunning 38-37 win over the Browns last week certainly gives the Lions a measure of momentum heading into their annual Thanksgiving Day game, this time against NFC North division rival Green Bay.

After Matthew Stafford found Brandon Pettigrew for a one-yard touchdown pass on the game’s final play, pandemonium reigned in Detroit, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the doors opened to festival seating at the Bob Seger concert at Cobo Hall back in 1977.

“Unlike last year,” says Stafford, “there’s hope for a win on Thanksgiving this year. We’ve got two wins under our belt, and with success, to use the term loosely, fans come to expect even more. As such, Lions fans have become so demanding that they’re expecting a win on Thanksgiving by the home team .”

“As you know, I made that last play with a separated shoulder. And I suffered a dislocated knee earlier this year. So do me a favor. On Thanksgiving, after the turkey’s gone and it’s time to tear the wishbone in two, should that wishbone break your way, put in a wish for bones remaining in their sockets.”

Aaron Rodgers’ mouth must be watering at the thought of facing a Detroit defense that surrendered 304 yards passing and four touchdown passes to Brady Quinn last week. Rodgers threw for 344 against the 49ers, and suffered only two sacks, a marked improvement to the protection issues he’s often faced this year.

“Those offensive line issues are behind us,” said Rodgers. “We’ve effectively removed the ‘drop’ from the three-, five-, and seven-step drop. This A-Rod’s ‘slugging’ percentage is tumbling towards the Mendoza Line. No longer do my linemen worry about ‘roughing the passer.’ Now it’s a case of ‘roughing the passé.'”

With Stafford and Johnson likely to sit, or at best, play hurt, the Lions offense will suffer. And Rodgers should have his way through the air. Rodgers throws for 278 yards and three scores, and the Packers win, 34-17 .

 

Oakland at Dallas

An unlikely hero emerged in Oakland as Bruce Gradkowski, starting in place of the benched JaMarcus Russell, helped the Raiders to a 20-17 upset win over Cincinnati. Gradkowski’s 29-yard pass to Louis Murphy with 33 seconds left tied the game, setting the stage for Sebastian Janikowski’s game-winning field goal after a Bengal fumble.

“During this time of year,” says Gradkowski, “I’m thankful for many things but mostly for the fact that Al Davis prefers white meat over dark meat. I understand that I’m likely just a temporary fill-in while JaMarcus gets his head on straight and heals his bruised ribs. No, he didn’t take any vicious hits; it’s the result of me nudging him in the side to wake him up in meetings. JaMarcus’s study habits leave a lot to be desired. Often I’ve tried talking ‘Xs and Os’ with JaMarcus. Inevitably, he always ends up asking ‘Who’s move is it?’ Or it results in some unwanted hugs and kisses.”

With a tenuous one-game lead in the NFC East, the Cowboys have a lot to play for, and can ill-afford a let down against the 3-7 Raiders. A lackluster 7-6 win over the Redskins kept the ‘Boys on top of the NFC East.

“A 7-6 win?” says Tony Romo. “I guess we won in a tiebreaker, and such an unimpressive win is sure to create a ‘racket’ here in Dallas. And that certainly seems to be the case with the altercation between Dave Campo and Terrence Newman. Coaches and players should never become physically involved, unless that coach is an attractive, blonde model/actress/singer. Campo and Newman crossed the line, and are guilty of a ‘double fault.’ Usually, no good can come of such a confrontation, but there are exceptions—Newman’s shove of Campo was the best ‘jam’ we’ve ever seen from Terrence in years.”

Dallas will need wins over inferior opponents to maintain their division lead, and remain on track for an early playoff exit against the Giants or Eagles. Dallas is clearly the better team, but you never know which Raiders team will show up. As they proved last week against the Bengals, sometimes the stars align, as do the liver spots on Al Davis’ face, and the Raiders play with inspiration.

But not Thursday. The Dallas rush harasses Gradkowski, and Romo throws two scores to Patrick Crayton, while Roy Williams proves that Thanksgiving is not only a time for turkey legs, but “alligator arms,” as well.

Dallas wins, 31-13.

 

New York Giants at Denver Broncos

With an overtime win over the Falcons, the Giants ended a four-game losing streak, and will now face a Denver unit reeling from their own four-game skid. Collectively, the Giants and Broncos surrendered 66 points last week, and unless their respective defenses can return to early-season form, disappointment is sure to follow.

“Last week saw me ‘eating crow’ after the Chargers whipped us,” says Josh McDaniels. “If we, in fact, ‘owned’ the Chargers, then they ‘repossessed’ themselves. So suffice it to say I won’t be talking any trash to the Giants before the game. On Thanksgiving, I plan to do nothing but ‘talk turkey,’ and engage the Giants in a spirited discussion over what my most glaring flaw is—being overrated or being underage.”

The Giants racked up 456 yards of offense against the Falcons, but that kind of yardage will be likely harder to come by in the altitude at Mile High Stadium against a Bronco defense eager to recapture early season glory.

“Hey, we’re looking for our ‘mojo’, too,” says Tom Coughlin. “As in the case of the Broncos, it’s probably locked deep inside the magic of past Super Bowl wins. For us, I’m guessing a cavity search of Plaxico Burress would turn up some of that lost ‘mojo.’ But I’d prefer to find it somewhere else.”

With some of the Broncos bickering amongst themselves, it’s time for McDaniels to “take ownership” and get their minds right, because there’s obviously been a failure to communicate. Or, in simpler terms, he could just tell Marshall he needs a huge game from him.

Marshall catches eight passes for 123 yards and two scores, and the Broncos win, 24-21 .

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Bengals-Raiders Preview: JaMarcus Russell Flushed in Oakland

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

With the AFC North well in hand after last Sunday’s 18-12 win in Pittsburgh, the Bengals can turn their attention to more trivial things, like the Raiders.

“I think the Steelers are stunned that we’ve beaten them twice,” says Carson Palmer. “I’m sure they didn’t expect us to take them down at Heinz Field. But what’s the best way to remove a ‘line in the sand?’ By ‘sweeping’ it away, of course.

“Marvin Lewis now has the kind of team he’s always wanted, one that is defined by an attacking defense and an efficient, mistake-free offense. It took him awhile, but Marvin’s finally been able to put his best defenders on the field instead of in the courtroom.”

In Oakland’s 16-10 loss to the Chiefs last week, JaMarcus Russell was a dismal 9-of-24 for 67 yards, an effort that got him benched , but not punched, by Tom Cable. Bruce Gradkowski took over at quarterback and was worse, throwing two interceptions.

“No. 2 was stinking up the joint,” says Cable, “so I had no choice but to pull him. That’s doing what any decent-minded person would do—I executed a courtesy flush.

“Now, for this franchise, choosing a quarterback is a lot like choosing a head coach—it’s a ‘hit or miss’ exercise. Of course, in the case of my selection as coach, it’s both ‘hit and miss.'”

With Cedric Benson injured, the Bengals signed former Kansas City troublemaker Larry Johnson to reinforce their rushing attack, a development that left many observers spitting their drinks out in surprise. Some even denounced their sexuality.

Hopefully, for the sake of the Bengals and their postseason aspirations, Johnson will “run in” to a game before he has a “run-in” with the law.

Cincinnati wins, 23-7.

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New York Jets vs. New England Patriots Preview: Patriot Missive

If he could turn back time, would Bill Belichick reconsider his decision to gamble on 4th-and-2 from his own 28 with a 34-28 lead over Peyton Manning and the Colts?

“Would I reconsider it?” says Belichick. “Yes, I would reconsider it, hopefully long enough for Tom Brady to realize that the wise thing to do in that situation would be to take a delay of game penalty. It takes a certain amount of arrogance to make that call in the first place, and even more to say I’d do it again. I’m haughty by nature, not because I hate you. Now, I’m down with ‘O.P.P.-robrium.’”

The Jets’ 16-9 win over the Patriots in Week Two seems like a distant memory. Since then, New York is 2-5 and struggling defensively. And the Jets know the Pats haven’t forgotten that early beat down, and they’re likely still stinging from their shocking loss to the Colts.

“We all know Belichick’s a known cheater,” says Mark Sanchez. “Who knew he was guilty of cheating himself? And yet, he says he would do it again. Would that be called ‘4th-and-too?’

“Of course the Patriots don’t take too kindly to embarrassing defeat. When they’re out for revenge, they’re a lot like Oprah Winfrey—they can drop 50 before you know it. We know we’ll have to play as well as, if not better than, we did in Week Two. Personally, I won’t rest easy until the game, and a wiener, are in hand.”

I predict that the Patriots come out fired up, and casually march 80 yards on their first possession for a score. Instead of kicking the extra point, Belichick again decides to “go for two,” and this time succeeds, as Brady finds Ben Watson for the conversion. Rex Ryan cries at this show of gamesmanship, and the rout is on.

 

New England wins 37-20.

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Denver Broncos vs. Washington Redskins Preview: Gentlemen, Start Your Injuns

How bad is the situation in Washington?

Not only are the Redskins 2-6, but the Sherman Lewis play-calling experiment has made little or no difference. In addition, DeAngelo Hall has accused Falcons coach Mike Smith of cursing at him on the sidelines in Atlanta.

Not to be outdone, former Skins John Riggins and Joe Theismann can’t agree on proper etiquette in regards to criticizing owner Daniel Snyder.

“I should speak up and say ‘stop the madness!'” says Jim Zorn, “but under my limited duties as head coach, that’s no longer my job. But it sure is entertaining to watch. You have to take what Riggins says with a grain of salt, or two shots of whiskey. He’s always been very opinionated, whether speaking from under a table at a black-tie, White House dinner, or from his platform on talk radio.”

“As for Hall, his mouth is like an opposing receiver — he just can’t cover it. And if Smith did curse at him, I’m sure it’s nothing DeAngelo hasn’t heard from a coach before. In Snyder’s case, he’s just an incompetent owner, a ‘brass’ monkey, if you will. He may be the ‘Indian head,’ but he’s not worth a nickel.”

After a 6-0 start, the Broncos have lost two straight, including a 28-10 loss to the Steelers on Monday night. After early success throwing, Kyle Orton was atrocious, throwing three interceptions after only tossing one pick in seven previous games.

“Hey, I never said I wasn’t a ‘down to earth’ guy,” says Orton. “Look, if you spend enough time with Rex Grossman, then some of his talent is bound to rub off on you. That’s what happened on Monday. As for the Redskins, they’re a victim of piss-poor ownership. That’s why Snyder needs to ‘relieve himself’ of his duties.”

Prior to the game, Zorn gives the greatest motivational speech of his life, closing his talk with the words “Gentlemen, start your Injuns!” The Skins come out blazing, and take a 10-0 lead. Then the Broncos reel off 42 unanswered points. Not really, but Denver fans always appreciate a little Super Bowl XXII humor.

Denver wins, 24-16.

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