Miami Dolphins: The Number Thirty Four

Have you ever seen that one Jim Carrey movie?

It wasn’t the one where he solves pet crimes, or the one where he finds a mask, or even the one where him and Jeff Daniels prove that IQ is just a state of mind.

Huh?

So I guess I answered my own question then, didn’t I?

Well it was The Number 23 . And no, I didn’t see it either. But thanks to the wonders of Google and Wikipedia I’ve ascertained that it’s about a man who becomes obsessed with a number that’s not 17 and is inescapably 23.

The number comes to dominate the man’s life until something happens and then something else happens and the credits roll. But the main point is that he notices a trend in his life that revolves around 23.

Enter the Miami Dolphins.

Now, they’re not obsessed with 23. That would be stupid and would make no sense to write about.

They’re actually obsessed with the number 34 , which is a completely more interesting number (because it’s 11 more!).

For Miami, this season has been hard to define. A few games got away, but their indestructible schedule has started to crack. They now enter a crucial stretch of the season that could make or break them.

And it all comes back to 34.

Let’s get to it. It’s going to be SMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKIIIIIIN’.

Oops, wrong movie.

3-4

We’ll keep it simple first, and the easiest place to start is with the Dolphins sub-par record. Fortunately, Miami has yet to be completely dominated by any team, and has found themselves in every game they’ve played.

But being a team with a narrow margin of error means that some of those winnable losses could come back to haunt Miami. And Halloween’s over, so that’s some seriously spooky stuff.

3-4…again

Those crazy number are back again, this time as part of Miami’s 3-4 defense. The Fins are using the 3-4 to play especially stingy against the run, keeping opponents to 3 .6 yards per carry, and only 92.4 yards a game (sixth in the NFL). 

Miami has also given new life to pass rushers like Jason Taylor, Randy Starks, Cameron Wake, and Joey Porter by using the 3-4. Which is why Miami is also sixth in the league with 19 sacks.

It’s this toughness up front that has kept Miami in games and forced teams to seek other ways to beat them. Which they’ve done…but that’s for another day. So let’s just go to…

34 years old

That’s the age of the Duchess of York, Jason “Fergie” Ferguson. The lynch pin of Miami’s defense has managed to keep himself healthy and man the nose tackle spot for the Dolphins.

Keeping Ferguson healthy is something that is tantamount to Miami’s continued success against the run. His name isn’t called every play, but that doesn’t ease the burden of NFL offensive linemen who have to move the bulky Ferguson.

If you had to go to work everyday with a 320 pound man breathing in your face would you feel comfortable?

Businessman one: Jenkins, I want those TPS reports on my desk by Monday.

Businessman two: Sure thing, but could you ask this large, scary, man to get off my desk first.

B1: You ask him.

B2: What does TPS stand for anyway? (Intimidating man on desk growls) OH GOD HE’S ANGRY.

34

Erricke Lynne Williams Jr. is  experiencing yet another renaissance, while sporting the number 34 for Miami. For a guy who’s been left for dead so many times throughout his career, Williams is having a lively season.

Ricky has rushed for 4 23 yards thus far in the season, with a 5.3 yards per carry average. He’s also got himself five touchdowns and has asserted himself as one of the key cogs of Miami’s offense. Without Williams, Miami is limited, but with him they’re proving that the NFL is now a two-back league.

For Miami to succeed in the remainder of the season, they need to see continued production from number 34. There’s no reason to suspect they won’t get it either-…must resist…temptation…to make…drug joke…ARRGHHHHHHHHHH.

BECAUSE THE RANDOM DRUG TESTS ARE OVER!

Oy.

Three Interceptions, Four Touchdowns

Those are quarterback Chad Henne’s numbers after five games, four of them started by Chad No. 2. He’s proven to be adept at managing a game for the Fins, but he is isn’t blessing anyone’s fantasy team with a cornucopia of points.

As teams start moving more and more defenders into the box, the onus is on Henne to keep them honest. It has been refreshing to see that Miami isn’t up an excrement-filled body of water without Chad Pennington though, and Henne still has room to improve.

34.9

The yards Ted Ginn Jr. averages a kick return. After landing squarely in Tony Sparano’s dog house, Junior exploded through the ceiling and raced out to two touchdowns against the New York Jets last Sunday.

Now Ginn hasn’t displayed the surest of hands receiving, but his kick returns are giving Miami an element of danger that hasn’t been seen since Joey Porter started doing his deep breathing exercises. It’s just another thing opponents are now forced to devote more focus to in stopping the Fins.

Ted Ginn Jr.: Putting the special back in special teams since November 1, 2009.

Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

Tony Sparano

Now he’s not a number, but as of this year he is the third head coach in four years for Miami. Sparano is now 14-9 as head coach of the Fins, and despite some questionable decisions (going for two while up by 11?) he’s made Miami a team to be respected in the NFL.

After the collective horrible tastes that Nick Saban and Cam Cameron left in Fins fans mouths, Sparano is the Listerine for the Miami faithful. He’s proved that he coaches schemes to fit his personnel, and not vice versa.

Sparano is also one of the most fun coaches to watch in the NFL. If it’s not witnessing the Wildcat, it’s spotting him fist pumping like a drunk frat boy after sinking the last beer pong cup. It’s good to see that this is a coach that lives and dies by his team, and so far it’s been fun and enjoyable having him as coach.

3-4…last time I swear

Last season Miami was 3-4 at this point of the year as well. They then proceeded to own the second half of the season and make the playoffs.

The schedule may be tougher, but a precedent has been set. High expectations are nothing to fear, they’re to hold franchises accountable for keeping their fanbase happy. And making another big run would bring so much joy to these fans.

1975

34 years ago the Miami Dolphins went 10-4 under coach Don Shula, WITH NO ONE ON THE TEAM WEARING 34. Fate or coincidence?

1975 was the season that saw Miami without Larry Csonka for the first time in six seasons, and the Fins failed to make the playoffs. Well, Csonka has yet to suit up for Miami this season, mostly because everyone is still afraid of him. But he was one hell of an American Gladiators announcer.

Also, 34 years ago this week the Miami Dolphins beat the New York Jets. Will the date empower Miami this week against the New England Patriots? Or is that one parallel too far to draw?

 

I’ll end my 34 fetishism here. Mostly because I’m out of tinfoil to keep the satellites from spying on me.

Now I’m no Jim Carrey (I’m far too good-looking), but the number 34 and the Miami Dolphins have taken over my life. Let’s hope this has been fun for you, because it’s pushed me to the brink of insanity.

34…34…34…34…

 

For more articles written about random numbers, head to The Chirp Show ! I promise I’ll be out of the asylum in time to spruce it up a bit.

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The Phinal Word: The Miami Dolphins and the Faulk Effect

There are plenty of reasons the Miami Dolphins lost on Sunday.

Ted Ginn’s drops. Chad Henne’s inexperience. The New Orleans Saints’ unstoppable offense. Tony Sparano’s record skipping a beat. The hastily prepared jambalaya they had for lunch. The lack of clean towels.

People thought the Miami Dolphins could win this football game for the same reason they win any game: by running the football, controlling the clock, and minimizing mistakes. The belief abound was that the Fins wouldn’t succumb to the shootout-style of football New Orleans plays.

And in the first half they even managed to force some turnovers from the Saints. Things couldn’t have been going more according to plan. I was already laying out my gloating outfit and queuing up the fight song. And then, while halfway through a little jig, the rug was pulled out from underneath the Fins. Needless to say, I would jig no more.

Leading football scientists refer to it as The Faulk Effect . They would have called it the Warner Effect (sounded too much like a hair loss/greying action), or the Az-Zahir Hakim Effect (too many hyphens), or the Dick Vermeil Effect (too much crying); but The Faulk Effect was decided to be best.

What The Faulk Effect consists of is an uber-dominant offense that dictates games and destroys game plans. Having a dangerous offense that puts up points in bunches means less talented teams are forced to move faster to keep pace. In trying to keep pace, the other team abandons the way they win football games and just tries to emulate their opponent. You wind up playing catch-up rather than imposing your will.

The comparison has been made between the New Orleans Saints and the 1999 St.Louis Rams (hence The Faulk Effect); and if it hasn’t, I’m making it now.

Like the ’99 Rams, the Saints have an excellent QB, a dangerous running back, and a full compliment of excellent receivers. Trying to stop them is like trying to stop Godzilla moving through downtown Tokyo. You can throw Mothra at him for a bit, but the thing’s a bug. How can that beat a radioactive dinosaur?

The point is (aside from avoiding downtown Tokyo) that both the ’99 Rams and ’09 Saints have the ability to force teams to play their style of football. You can try to contain them, but they’re going to find a way to score (like Wilt Chamberlain if he played in the WNBA). And when they do score you have to respond, and thus begins the shootout you never wanted in the first place.

When New Orleans starts to ramp it up, it takes a team out of their comfort zone and forces them to mirror the Saints. Teams that fall into this find out the hard way that they aren’t New Orleans and that they don’t have the tools to score the way the Saints can.

Philly, Detroit, and the Giants all felt the symptoms of The Faulk Effect. New York had Eli Manning squander bomb after bomb deep, instead of handing off to their bread and butter of Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs. And slowly but surely, the game got away from them.

This is the hole that Miami fell into.

The entire first half was spent watching the Fins follow their game plan to a T(ony Sparano). They controlled the football and kept Drew Brees eating gumbo on the sidelines for as long as they could. Miami even made some big plays that were unexpected, but very welcome. 

Then wide receiver Davone Bess fumbled and gave the Saints a touchdown right before the half. Instead of being up a comfortable three scores, the Fins were now touchable. Safety Darren Sharper’s quick pick-six after halftime had the Fins scrambling to respond and they overreacted.

The Faulk Effect had reared it’s ugly head. Which isn’t to say Marshall Faulk is ugly, but rather that the effect itself is ugly. Some might even call Faulk dashing…ahem. Moving on.   

In the first half the Fins had 10 first downs, seven on the ground and three through the air. After the half, Miami ended up with just six more first downs, this time with only one on the the ground and five through the air. They completely abandoned their way of playing football.

Chad Henne ended up throwing 26 passes in the second half, the same amount he threw in the entire game against the New York Jets. Henne’s 36 pass attempts on Sunday were the most he’d ever thrown in his NFL career. He also managed (with a little help from his friends) to throw two interceptions in the second half as well.

Miami’s time of possession in the second half was 11:13, compared to 18:47 for the Saints. For a team that’s made their living minimizing mistakes, running the football, and controlling the clock, they somehow managed to ignore everything that’s given them success.

The Saints can’t be stopped, but they can be contained. The Dolphins did more than most teams have, and stopped them for a half. But when the Saints extracted themselves out from under the Fins’ thumb (do flippers have thumbs?) the Dolphins had trouble containing their own inhibitions.

With New Orleans off to the races, Miami started to imitate the Saints. Instead of sticking with their run-and-stun offense, they ended up trying to match Brees and Co.’s torrid pace.

You could even make the case that Ginn’s late drops were because he was trying to turn upfield too quickly, trying to make the big play instead of just a play. The Faulk Effect can impact players in such a fashion.

So call it a choke, or a brain fart. It was a little bit of both. Now there’s an interesting picture.

But for a team that runs draws on third-and-six, the second half of Sunday’s game was a shocking reversal of their standards and practices. The Faulk Effect is not to be toyed with.

You heard me NFL.

(Note: Feel free to toy with The Romo Effect, which breaks down pretty much like Murphy’s Law.)

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Miami Dolphins-New Orleans Saints: Fighting For The Love Of The Tuna

Bill Parcells.

Oh, you sly fox.

People may be fooled into thinking this Miami-New Orleans game is just about football. But it’s so much more.

It’s two sons fighting for their father’s affections, and it’s going to be a bitter family affair.

I’ll elaborate.

Bill Parcells was a football coach. He was a great football coach. The people who coached underneath him during his career went on to their own coaching careers of varying success.

Coaches like Bill Belichick, Tom Coughlin, and the perpetually furious Todd Haley all coached under The Tuna. And, so did Sean Payton and Tony Sparano.

DUN-DUN-DUN.

Payton and Sparano joined Parcells during the Dallas phase of his career. For Parcells, he was at the experimental stage, he had been around long enough to realize he needed to embiggen his legend.

He was like a famous band that starts taking drugs to find inspiration. Why else would he take a job with a team that had been among his staunchest rivals while with the Giants? Don’t say drugs either. That was just a metaphor.

In Dallas, Parcells cemented himself as The Retunavator. He was the cooler, he was Swayze in Roadhouse. You brought him in and he started dropping the bad guys until you were a winner (even though Dallas didn’t win a playoff game).

Sean Payton joined Parcells in Dallas in 2003. During his stay, he helped Parcells win games by turning Quincy Carter, Vinny Testaverde, and Drew Bledsoe into serviceable quarterbacks. Payton was Parcells’ golden boy, and he was rewarded by being promoted to assistant head coach.

In 2004, Payton was offered the Oakland Raiders head coaching position. With Parcells’ tutelage, he politely declined (or just resisted the urge to vomit in his mouth). He would listen to Dad…for now.

The temptation of head coaching is a seductive beast. It’s like a grizzly bear that buys you drinks. Either you come with it peacefully and with a buzz, or you take a paw to the face and get dragged off anyway.

So it shouldn’t surprise you (seeing as we live in this crazy future), that Payton eventually took a head coaching job. In 2006, the New Orleans Saints welcomed Parcells’ prodigy to the Big Easy.

Payton wasted no time in sticking it to his former boss by schwacking the Cowboys 42-17 with his Saints during the 2006 season. The bond between them was severed. And yes, I am being overdramatic.

Tony Sparano joined the Dallas Cowboys with Payton in 2003, as a tight ends coach. During his stay he helped develop Jason Witten and spruce up the offensive line. And guess who was there to assume the playcalling duties after Payton left?

It wasn’t Payton. Why? Because I just told you that he left. PAY ATTENTION.

It was Tony Sparano.

He stayed behind to assist Parcells while Payton was off tossing beads in Ol’ Swampy. And because Parcells is a loving football god, he rewarded Sparano with the head coaching job in Miami after he moved there.

This sets up a showdown between the guy who stayed with Parcells, and his prodigy who left for greener pastures.

It’s a modern day prodigal son story.

Payton is the son who bailed to whoop it up, and Sparano is the son who stayed behind to work the fields and whatnot. Now the two are squaring off over the fatted calf.

Both have succeeded through their various routes, but only one can win the love of The Tuna.

It’s a coaching showdown of the highest caliber. The former teacher’s pet takes on the current one. It’s the story that Hollywood refuses to make (having rejected my screenplay countless times).

And at the end of the day, the winner will be Bill Parcells. He has brought two more great coaches into the league, and they hope to do him proud come Sunday. Parcells’ legacy is stamped on the NFL like a lower back tattoo on the promiscuous.

And there’s no better way to put it.

(Probably.)

QUICK SLANT

-The Miami Dolphins are 6-3 lifetime against the Saints. The last time they played was in 2005, where they triumphed 21-6, with Ronnie Brown rushing for 106 yards.

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The Phinal Word: The Miami Dolphins Vs. the Rule Book

The Miami Dolphins and New York Jets continued their fine tradition of hating each other by playing a very entertaining Monday nighter.

Really the only words for it was: couch-defying. As in, I defied gravity’s influence towards me on the couch, as the game launched me off it with Ronnie Brown’s game-winning touchdown.

I was like a younger, whiter, less athletic, less competitive, poorer, Michael Jordan taking off from the foul line. My six-inch vertical leap had me brush the heavens with ecstasy.

And now it’s Thursday and I’m ready to start complaining again.

So let’s do this thing (I promise I won’t compare myself to Michael Jordan again).

The only thing I could glean from this game—that didn’t have me giggling like a schoolgirl at a Jonas Brothers concert—was Miami’s secondary and it’s lack of respect for the rules.

Or it could have been that the referees were flagging Miami’s secondary for even sneezing in the direction of Jets receivers. I’m undecided. So let’s bring forth the evidence for Geudge Geoff to make his ruling.

In case you hadn’t noticed (and it’s all I noticed until Miami won), the refs were merciless in their penalizing of Miami. The Fins finished with eight penalties for 112 yards. They pretty much conceded a touchdown through penalties (and yet the Jets still couldn’t win…).

Miami’s burden came from the zeal that their safeties show for clobbering receivers. Yeremiah Bell and Gibrill Wilson each received penalties for hitting a couple of poor souls who dared to wander across the middle.

Now I’m no expert here—I flunked out of Gridiron U after coming to class dressed as Al Davis—but the call against Bell was especially questionable.

Dustin Keller went up to make a catch on a ball that was thrown a touch too high. Bell then went up and smacked Keller in the same manner a person would smack a kid’s hand away from the cookie jar.

Bell was then flagged for pass interference for endangering the welfare of a defenseless receiver. For shame. On the flip side though, Bell walked away from the play more shaken up than Keller was. The contact was mediocre at best, but the call was still made.

I was a tad upset, but my roommates gave me some warm beer and I quieted down accordingly. So let’s move on to something that has a little more bite.

In the second quarter, the Jets were staring at 3rd-and-10 from their own 29. Mark Sanchez failed to complete a pass to Braylon Edwards that was broken up by Gibrill Wilson. What a play! Nothing can stop the Fi…

Flag.

Not on Wilson this time, but on Will Allen for illegal contact. The ball was moved four yards to the spot of the foul and the Jets were given a first down.

I’m not one to rock the boat. I take the words of the Hues Corporation very seriously when they say not to rock the boat, baby. But allow me this one boat-rocking transgression.

Illegal contact against a receiver has to occur five yards or further from the line of scrimmage. Inside those five yards, the defensive player can jam the receiver accordingly. Since the penalty was only four yards, this means that a) Allen gave a roundhouse kick to the receiver at four yards or b) that the refs blew it.

(Note: If I missed something here, please correct me.)

Since you’re unlikely to see the foul happening from highlights, or even in the game, due to the length of Sanchez’s pass, it’s hard to tell. All I can say is that the refs were particularly unfair to Will Allen this game.

Let’s fast-forward to the fourth quarter, where heroes are made, and where Rex Ryan starts craving a chicken-fried steak.

The Jets have a 1st-and-10 from their 48. Sanchez heaves yet another bomb towards Edwards that falls incomplete, a few yards ahead of Braylon. Can you taste that victory, it’s almost preordain…

FLAG.

On Will Allen once again.

The call is pass interference on Allen for battling with Edwards and the ball is moved 49 yards to Miami’s three-yard line.

Looking at that play, even the announcers (as biased towards the great Sanchise as they may be) recognized that it should have just been a no call. This still didn’t stop them from praising the Jets for putting together such long drives (founded on penalties they deemed unworthy) right after New York scored a play later.

Clearly, there is a difference in opinion between the Dolphin DB’s and the refs on what composes pass interference.

Now I realize I’m a bit tardy to the official-criticizing party (sorry Ray Lewis, don’t hurt me), but some of the refs calls against Miami’s secondary were questionable. And I also realize that’s an incredibly strong statement (it’s not), but it still says something for the state of officiating in the NFL.

Maybe Miami needs to rethink how they cover receivers. It’s possible. The Fins defense has had trouble containing the pass all year and maybe they finally cracked a bit.

But it’s also possible that refs just didn’t know what they were doing.

Or…

Maybe they knew EXACTLY what they were doing.

We now enter The Conspiracy Zone.

Call me a fool, but wasn’t Monday night part of the Hispanic Appreciation Night that the NFL was putting on? And wouldn’t it make more sense to bolster Hispanic support if a quarterback with Hispanic roots (Mark Sanchez), won the game?

Could the refs be working to aid the NFL’s new agenda? Can I ask anymore questions without coming off as a complete nut? Have you had enough question marks yet?

We are now leaving The Conspiracy Zone. Y’all come back now.

Miami had five pass interference-related calls made against them Monday night. They have a bye this week and then after that they play the New Orleans Saints.

The Saints, if you haven’t noticed, sport a birthmark-adorned quarterback named Drew Brees. Brees is known for picking apart secondaries like he was a Canuck picking apart a turkey at Canadian Thanksgiving (which was last weekend, for all you crazy Americans). If the Fins can’t work out their P.I. woes, they’re in for a long day against the Brees-y Saints.

Just something to keep your eye on, but if it’s not Drew Brees Appreciation Night on the 25th, Miami should be all right.

 

If you’d like to read more conspiracy theories, like how Bill Belichick is bugging your telephone, then go to The Chirp Show. It’s where Geoff goes to cry. Now with podcasts!

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The New England Patriots: Spooking the NFL One Week at a Time

First things first. I’m taking nothing away from the New England Patriots, who went out and tamed the Baltimore Ravens in a humbling manner.

Humbling.

The Pats have gone out and humbled two good sophomore quarterbacks in consecutive weeks. Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco played decent games.

But they were humbled.

Even the New York Jets victory over the Patriots seemed a bit off. The whole game looked like New York was waiting for New England to win it the whole time; all the Jets could do was keep blitzing and pray that Tom Brady would not find his stride.

And he’s getting closer.

When Brady was knocked out at the beginning of last season there was a scramble to rearrange the AFC hierarchy. By the time New England regenerated itself, Miami had just squeaked by them in the East.

But there was a sense of waiting. A sense that the league had been given a brief respite from Brady, Belichick, and the Ark of the Covenant they keep stored under Foxborough (TOP…MEN).

Thanks to the glory that is cable TV, I was subjected to three weeks of Pats football. I’m not complaining, but I’m scared. New England is quickly re-establishing itself as THE PATRIOTS, as opposed to the Patriots, who played last year under Matt Cassel.

I’ll spare you the resume. But the rest of the NFL knows who’s been the team to beat this decade (hint: It rhymes with schmatriots and it’s the Patriots).

And if you think there’s not some black magic in the air than you haven’t been paying attention; or are the one conjuring it, and in that case, have mercy on me and my heathen ways.

The powdered newt was present on that Monday night when Leodis Mckelvin decided that taking a knee was the loser’s way out. Turns out that taking the kick out of the endzone was the same thing.

BLACK MAGIC.

Then the New York Jets with their newfangled defense and new head coach decided to step to the Pats. And then…

BLACK MAG-oh. Wait, New England lost?

Well let’s take a good look at it.

New England had 18 first downs, New York had 14. The Pats had 299 total yards, the Jets 254. Tom Brady threw an interception, but the Jets lost a fumble. New England converted 33 percent of their third downs, the Jets converted 27 percent. The only reason the Pats could have lost was…

BLACK MAGIC.

See, it works both ways.

We’ll come back to this game because I feel like there’s still something left to be explored. More like, BLACK MAGI-plored. No? Just explored? Fine.

Then young pup Matt Ryan and his Atlanta Falcons strolled into Foxborough and were sent packing. The Patriots muscled out a victory, and the scary part was that Tom Brady was disappointed in his throwing. He did miss a few open receivers and the Pats had to settle for field goals. And they still won by two scores.

BLACK MAGIC.   

The Falcons were borderline contenders (or pretenders), but they still had a very competent and skilled young quarterback. They also had a dynamic running back and a new tight end who was red zone dynamite. Well, something blew that game…

(The Falcons)

And then yesterday Joe Flacco, Ray Lewis, and the always uber-competitive Ravens, strolled into Gillette Stadium and were forced to eat crow (get it?).

The argument can be made about the officiating, but let’s ignore it because it’s been hammered to death by people smarter than me. But when Mark Clayton takes a perfect ball off the chest, then something is amiss. It must be…

BLACK…

Geoff’s Brain: Geoff that’s not funny, you should probably stop saying it.

Geoff: But they’re evil Brain, EVIL!

Geoff’s Brain: Ugh, fine, say it. But you have to read a book to me later.

MAGIC!!!!!

I’ll make my point quickly and depart.

The New England Patriots reputation has preceded them this season. We just don’t know it yet.

Tom Brady is still recuperating from his knee injury. Can you blame him? The guy’s reliving that hit every time he drops back. It’s like my dream where I’m always falling…great, now I won’t sleep tonight.

But Brady is slowly regaining his form, and in the meantime the rest of the NFL is cowering and praying that Matt Cassel just dreamed that he left for Kansas City.

There’s a word that can describe how teams are playing the Patriots right now: Hesitant.

They’re expecting the 2007 Patriots to show up, and in the process they’re losing winnable games.

Which brings me back to the New York Jets win against New England. The Jets’ first five drives against the Pats went: Punt, fumble, punt, punt, field goal. Then the half ended and the Jets later returned to the field; most likely after Rex Ryan tore them a new one. They then proceeded to beat the Patriots.

Because they realized they could? Or because they realized they should? Or did they chop some wood? I feel like maybe I just misunderstood.

And you think that didn’t happen to the Ravens offense this weekend? Fumble, touchdown, punt, punt, interception (first five drives again). They were shook.

If teams want to beat New England (and they should, right?) they need to go out there and smack them in the mouth. You have to act, instead of just reacting to what Patriots decide to show up. The Pats’ aura of invincibility was smashed off David Tyree’s helmet.

…either that or Gillette Stadium is haunted.

 

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M.I.A.: The Miami Dolphins’ Return Game

I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared to watch football than I am to watch this Sunday.

And it’s not because my TV is situated on an Indian burial ground. Because that’s just not the correct term (it’s Native American, no?).

It’s because I’m afraid the Miami Dolphins are irrevocably terrible. And the evidence is quickly mounting.

The offense is in disarray (except you, Ronnie Brown, you are very much in array) and the defense couldn’t slow down opposing receivers with a clever riddle and a baseball bat.

With that said, how in Dan Marino’s name are the Miami Dolphins going to win this weekend? Divine intervention? An asteroid striking the Bills’ team bus? Tony Sparano calls The Annexation of Puerto Rico?

Oh wait, they’re playing the Buffalo Bills? Hmm. This game just went from “terrifying” to “terrifyingly winnable.” And that’s no insult to Buffalo, it’s just that the Bills have a tendency to sniff out defeat like a pig does truffles.

So if Miami has half an offense and half a defense, is that enough to beat the chronically blowing-it Bills?

Am I forgetting something?

I left the stove on?

No wait, special teams.

Has anyone seen Miami’s special teams? Have I gone blind?

In case you hadn’t noticed (wake up, sleepy head), Miami hasn’t been getting a whole lot of support from their specialty teams. In fact, the offense should be trying to garnish the kickoff return team’s wages to buy babyfood for the horrifying love-child that is Miami’s average starting field position.

On kickoffs, Miami is averaging 20.7 yards a return (between Patrick Cobbs and Ted Ginn), good for 27th in the NFL. Their longest kick return? Twenty-five yards. I know they’ve been lacking explosiveness, but this is like trying to split the atom with a cherry bomb.

What about punt returns? What you don’t want to know? Come on.

Miami is averaging seven yards a punt return (all by Davone Bess)—20th in the league. Miami’s longest punt return is a paltry nine yards. And they’ve also only taken a single fair catch (and have only four returns total), making them as potent on punt return as a de-venomed cobra at a mongoose convention. Wow, that was a reach.

Fortunately, Miami covers kicks like a 20-something gold-digger does with her 80-year-old husband’s life insurance.

Opponents are only averaging 17.1 yards a kick return and 6.9 yards on punt returns against Miami. So, in essence, Miami is holding opponents to Miami-esque numbers. Cosmic.

You should also note the absence of one stat in the above sspiel: Touchdowns. When was the last time Miami scored a touchdown on a kick or punt return?

2007.

And yes, that was the same 2007 wherein the Fins went 1-15. Thankfully, Ted Ginn scored an 87-yard punt return for a touchdown. Otherwise that season could have been embarrassing, eh, Cam Cameron? 

My point is this: Miami could really use a hand from their special teams (particularly their return teams) this week.

Chad Henne is making his first career start. How great would it be for the guy if he could start a drive on the opponents’ side of the field? It’s the perfect gift from a squad that hasn’t had a touchdown return in too long.

Also, as yet another jab at the Buffalo faithful, let us not forget the way to beat the Buffalo Bills.

I’m sorry, Buffalo (Muahahahahahahaha).

 

Do you enjoy Geoff Zochodne and his wacky hijinks? No? Well, thanks for your time anyways. But just in case you change your mind, check out The Chirp Show, for all the sports and sport-related gambling talk you desire. GO NOW.

 

 

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The Phinal Word: Are The Miami Dolphins Scared Of The Deep End?

I’ll be blunt: the most excited I got all Sunday was when Chad Pennington’s nose exploded.

Not because of my insatiable bloodlust, because you know, it’s insatiable. But because I saw evidence that blood actually ran through the Dolphins instead of motor oil.

Pennington played an entire drive looking like he’d just squared off against George Foreman. It had me on my feet yelling an acapella version of the Rocky theme song.

The whole scene was awe-inspiring, and I was captivated up until Ronnie Brown and Pennington’s successful punt. Or should I say fumbled touchback? It was too surreal to describe.

The point is that I was excited; it looked like Miami was ready to start exhibiting some passion. Because let’s face it, the product on the field has been like a tour of a library.

Boooooooooooring. Informative (love that microfiche), but boring.

After three weeks, it’s clear that Miami has a knack for controlling the football. Their drives are planned down to such an extent that Pennington was penciled in for water breaks at 5:30 and 5:37. The offense is a machine that churns it’s way down the field.

And it works.

Watching Miami’s offense play is inspiring. The way they manage to slowly matriculate themselves down the field is enough to make Mike Martz vomit with rage.

That being said, Miami is 0-3. And it’s because the offense is lacking in testicular fortitude.

You could blame the defense for the losses (the secondary has been particularly culpable), but opponent scores of 19, 27 (ehhh, maybe that one, Peyton Manning was averaging a touchdown every five minutes of possession), and 23, shouldn’t be insurmountable. Not in today’s NFL, where every week is like being drunk on a roller coaster.

L’Audace, l’audace, l’audace.  

Miami’s offense boasts one of the most innovative schemes this decade in the Wildcat. So why is everything else in Miami’s playbook so vanilla? Would it kill them to throw a pass longer than 10 yards?

The infamous draw against Indianapolis on 3rd-and-6 stood between Miami and a win. Playing it safe gets Peyton Manning tapdancing over your team’s corpse. And you better believe he’s throwing in some jazz hands.

Here’s an example of Miami’s wussiness: Philip Rivers longest throws of the day were 55 and 47-yard completions to Vincent Jackson and Malcolm Floyd, respectably. Miami’s two longest completions were a 27-yard wheel route to Ronnie Brown and an earth-shattering 14-yard toss to Davone Bess (in contrast, Rivers also had 30 and 19-yard hook-ups). 

The Ronnie Brown catch was thrown by Chad Henne, whose days of jabbing his Pennington voodoo doll are over. Henne is supposed to have something of an arm; Miami’s play-calling for him looked like a child’s My First Playbook.

It’s been a season-long trend. The Fins have averaged a paltry 5.4 yards per completion, compared to 9.1 for their opponents. Before Pennington’s injury, his longest pass was only 21-yards.

See, Miami’s offense is perfect for being ahead of teams. It’s designed to hold the ball and minimize turnovers. But when the unexpected arises (the touchback, Pennington’s injury), it’s limitations are all too apparent.

Sure, maybe Miami’s receivers could have broken free after making one of their intermediary catches. It’s possible. But what prior indicator could possibly point to that happening? Miami’s offense lives in a world from the line of scrimmage to 15-yards. Before the ball is snapped, they’ve bottled themselves.

Even the Wildcat is trapped in the bottle. Miami has barely tried a throw from it; Pat White’s appearances are mostly runs (he’s got one pass attempt). How long will defenses honor the pass threat and start moving into the box? Of course, that could be exactly what the offense is waiting for…

So when Miami got behind against San Diego, the outcome was almost preordained. The mechanical nature of Miami’s offense makes me wonder if John Connor is about to show up. Let’s look at one more example before I crawl back to bed Brian Wilson-style.

Fourth quarter, 6:53 on the clock, San Diego 16, Miami 6, the ball is on Miami’s 20. On first-and-10, Henne completes short left to Bess for three yards. On second-and-7, Ricky Williams rushes for eight and gets the first down. Yay! We can win this thing!

On first-and-10 from their 31, Henne goes short left…again, intending to hit Bess again, but instead hits San Diego’s Eric Weddle in stride for a pick-six. Feel free to swear. 

This is pure speculation, but when you limit your offense to such a small section of the field the opposing team can start to shrink their schemes to adjust. And even though it’s Chad Henne and you don’t want to rush him, it’s also Week Three of the season, and it’s time to win a game.

A nice five-minute drive is great, but Miami needed two scores to even think about winning this game. The situation necessitated some haste and pizazz.

And here’s the thing: Henne can throw. He’s supposed to be the quarterback with the cannon. When Pennington is in, he’s the guy who owns that 15-yard bottle, no one is better than Chad No. 1 in the bottle. But when you’ve got Chad No. 2 in, air it out, he can do it.

Miami’s receivers aren’t the fleetest of foot, but I’m sure they can move quickly. They do play in the NFL after all, a place where an offensive lineman could run down a cheetah…over ten yards…on the moon.

Football is chaos trapped within white lines: All a coach can do is decide what ideas and personnel go into the field’s confines. Tony Sparano needs to start pushing for deeper routes, because sometimes things can’t be controlled. It’s a competitive game and sometimes you’re forced to innovate while in-game. The meltdown of a two-minute drill against Indy was proof enough for change.

So what happens when the control freak meets the uncontrollable? If I know anything about football (nine innings, right?), it’s that you have to adapt to the situation you’re in. It’s the main reason why Tom Coughlin stopped trying to use the New York Giants to power his rejuvenation machine, eschewing his evil ways for a more accessible persona.

Next week, hopefully we’ll see Miami go with the flow. Chances are they will anyways as Pennington, the man who always got hurt, got hurt. Fins fans should hold nothing against Pennington; he was responsible for the playoff vacation last year. I wish him the best.

Of all the 0-3 teams in the NFL, Miami feels like the best. Score one for oxymorons.

Until next week, which may just be a string of profanities, I’m Geoff Zochodne.

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The Phinal Word: Positive Thinking (and Drinking)

I’ve run such a gamut of emotion since Monday night that my schizophrenia developed schizophrenia. And we’re actually quite happy now.

Being an optimist is hard, especially when pessimism is easier than me after a few beers. That being said, I’m quite comfortable with the Miami Dolphins’ current predicament.

And it’s a predicament, 0-2 is a predicament. But at the risk of overusing predicament, this is one predicament I can handle.

Miami’s offense executed a near perfect game plan on offense; and if not for some suspect play calling, a leaky secondary, and drops galore, things couldn’t be peachier for the Fins.

So let’s get positive!

Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown rushed for more than 200 yards combined. The Wildcat returned in resplendent fashion. Jake Long survived the Dwight Freeney onslaught (barely). Chad Pennington managed a superb game and even made some deeper throws when the situation called for it.

Look me in the eye and tell me that Pennington had a bad game. You can’t. Mostly because of the computer screen and the thousands of miles between us, but also because Chad played a good game.

Pennington has twice as many interceptions (two) as he does touchdowns this year (one). Not inspiring. He also barely set foot in the red zone all Monday night (four plays). Inside the 20 the Fins went Wild(cat) and it worked. Don’t tag Pennington for that. Tag him for being a noodle-armed choir boy. I kid, I kid (Chad Penne-ington).

Two games, two impressive completion percentage performances (72.4 and 66.7 percent) from the most accurate passer in NFL history (I know, right?) that were wasted.

The Fins offense is a well-oiled machine, but the parts of the machine are just inferior in some places (receiver mostly). It’s like dropping a drum of Pennzoil on a remote controlled car. Which, by the way, is a good way to get kicked out of Jiffy Lube. Just saying.

Under Pennington, the Fins converted 71 percent of their third downs. The “Sheriff” Peyton Manning and his Colts only converted 43 percent. Manning couldn’t police a pioneer village with those numbers. Please refrain from looking at any other of Manning’s stats.

If you’re going to tag anyone (what is this, a manhunt or something?) ask why a couple of Pennington’s longest throws were batted down like a pinata at Al Capone’s house. Ted Ginn had himself a game, a two-headed monster that could be viewed as his coming out (11 catches 108 yards on national television) or the point where the blowback from being a semi-bust of a first-rounder turns him into a pariah (two potential touchdown passes dropped).   

This is Ginn’s year, for better or worse. He flashed some greatness, but a consistent effort (his catch rate is only 62 percent) is necessary to win in the NFL. That’s why prunes have been classified as performance enhancing drugs.

Ginn has the tools, and it looks like he and Pennington have begun to develop a rapport. That needs to continue if Miami wants to stretch the field at any point this season.

The facts are that Miami’s offense dominated the Colts front seven. Three quarters of the game were spent watching the Fins grind Indy into a fine dust that was then sold on South Beach ($9.95 a pound). Such ball control hasn’t been seen since Jerome Bettis played Hog with his kids. 

Lest we forget that a certain team started 0-2 last year, and then 1-4 after that. Those Miami Dolphins managed to win the AFC East despite early struggles. Miami has a lot of season left to play and if they can control the ball like the did against Indianapolis, while having their No-Name receiving corps step up, they can claw their way back.

I see things like this: Their run game is great, their pass game is adequate. Their run defense is great, their pass defense is ade-not quite (the height of word-smithery).

Part of that may be that Miami has a lack of rocket arms to test their defense in practice. Part of it may be the lethargic pass rush allowing two good quarterbacks pick apart a still leaking secondary. Part of it may be two premier tight ends having their way with Miami’s linebackers. Part of it may be that their rookie cornerbacks are playing like it’s their first year or something. Who knows (I do, I just told you)?.

Fortunately, next week Miami plays a San Diego team that hates to pass. They don’t?

At least the Charger’s loss of Jamal Williams has destabilized San Diego’s run defense, so the time is ripe for Miami to uncork another 45 minute possession gem. I, for one, can’t wait to watch Darren Sproles reading Little Women on the sidelines.

Also, the Fins run defense maintained it’s steadfastness by holding a team to under 70 yards rushing in back-to-back weeks. If they can limit Philip Rivers’ effectiveness while continuing to stop the run they have an excellent chance to win.

I refuse to believe this team isn’t good. It is. Get ready to see it on Sunday against the Chargers.

Stay positive folks.

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The Phinal Word: Don’t Tread on These Miami Dolphins

Lost in the trauma that was Week 1, was something very reassuring. The Miami Dolphins have a whale of a run defense.

(That will be the first of many nautical puns in my Dolphin writing career.)

Long ago, before Dan Marino ever fixed a rocket to his arm, the founders of football decided that in winning football games, defense and the run game were tantamount.

At least Miami had one of two, placing them in Bon Jovi territory (halfway there…whoa-oh, living on a prayer).

The Dolphins allowed only 68 rushing yards to an Atlanta offense that boasts NFL fantasy darling Michael Turner (I would know, I drafted him fourth overall and the freaking Fins burnt me). 

The Falcons averaged only two and a half yards per carry against the Miami defense. This is a good sign for a team that has a history of good run defense. In 2008, Miami allowed 101.3 yards per game, good for tenth in the NFL.

The longest run the Falcons were able to muster all game was only 12 yards long. Barry Sanders once rushed for 12 yards in a dream where he was falling. The Fins were bending and then breaking down Atlanta.

Not where you thought I was going with that one, eh?

Even more titillating (was that titillating for you too?) is how well Miami controlled Atlanta’s run game on third down. Miami only surrendered three rushing first downs to the Falcons, and none of them came on third down.

Some standouts for Miami: Philip Merling, who had four tackles (one for a loss) along with pressuring Matt Ryan like he wanted a DNA test from the guy. Jason Ferguson also re-established himself as being the centre of the universe (and Miami’s defense) by nabbing a sack while filling gaps like a sweatshop. 

Miami’s pass defense wasn’t as sterling, but it wasn’t completely anemic either. The Fins allowed 213 yards through the air, but the Falcons were only averaging 6.4 yards per completion. Good, but not above reproach.

Much like myself.

The most important thing though, is that in a division that has two teams (Buffalo and New York) that need to run the football to succeed, Miami is ready. Their defense can hopefully continue the one-game trend of being stingy against the rush. 

Next week against Indianapolis will be a good indicator of if Miami can continue to stop the run. Peyton Manning has never been afraid to defer, and with Anthony Gonzalez out the Colts’ options are limited. Miami has to be prepared to stop the famous Indianapolis stretch that signals fall like the leaves changing colour.

Joseph Addai and Donald Brown make up Indy’s rushing attack, and their first week together was meh. Brown and Addai averaged 3.0 and 2.5 yards per carry respectively. 

That’s about as frightening as having me suit up against the Fins. (Pssst, Indy, I’m available.)

Come Monday night, the Dolphins should continue stuffing runners. Because of this, the game will be probably be decided like a Phil Collins song.

You can probably guess that one on your own.  

 

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Five Reasons to Believe in The Miami Dolphins

The football bourgeoisie have already deigned the Miami Dolphins will finish with an average record and end up out of playoff contention. And as it is written, so shall it be, right?

A phrase comes to mind: That’s why they play the game.

It’s easy to write off a team because a certain quarterback for a certain organization has returned. The fact remains that the Miami Dolphins are the AFC East Champs until proven otherwise. Just because a bunch of pundits are hammering opinions into your brain like a drunken handyman doesn’t mean they’ll come true. I’ve got a few reasons to believe in these Fins. 

 

 

Bill Parcells

 

Has The Tuna ever steered a franchise wrong before? His Midas-touch is so effective that if I were him, I’d be afraid to go to the washroom. The fact that he resides in Miami’s front office almost makes up for the fact that Jimmy Buffet is hammered on tequila three doors down in the same office.

Let’s run through his credentials just to reassure ourselves:

-Two Super Bowls

-Three Conference Championships

-Five franchise rejuvenations

-Being the only man alive who could manage a coked-up Lawerence Taylor

-Three Murder, She Wrote marathons (I made that one up…probably)

With Parcells, you know what you’re going to get: A big, scary, old man who is the football equivalent of buying Microsoft stock in the ’80’s.

 

 

The Wildcat (or Wildpat)/ The Mind of Tony Sparano

 

Call it a gimmick, say that it’s time is up, mock Miami for resorting to such trickery; just don’t say it doesn’t work.

The Wildcat offense is the new scheme du jour in football, and the Fins are the head chef. Tony Sparano took a risk last season and it panned out, but he didn’t stop there. The drafting of Pat White means Miami have a legitimate throwing threat in the backfield to keep blitz-happy defences at bay.

People can rag on the Wildcat for being overused or ineffective but they’re wrong. Miami did what teams are supposed to do with their backs against the wall, they grew some…if I say cojones will the Estefans get angry?

The Fins have shown they have a competent coach who’s not afraid to shatter the norms of football. It’s about time.

 

 

An underrated offensive line

 

When the Dolphins spoiled all of our fun by signing Jake Long before the 2008 NFL Draft, it was about as climactic as the opening scene from Reservoir Dogs. Still, the man they call Jong (well, just me) is justifying his selection.

And like the mauling Michigan alum, the rest of the offensive line is very adept at run-blocking. Miami’s running backs were averaging 4.28 yards per carry last season, for the unenlightened, that’s a first down every three downs. 

Even more inspiring was that their Power Success rate (the percentage of runs on third or fourth down with less than two yards to go that get converted) was 76 percent, eight points better than the league average. Somewhere, Dave Wannstedt just flinched.

Chad Pennington is about as mobile as a paraplegic shopping cart (maybe I’m exagerrating a bit, sorry Chad), so it should surprise you that Miami’s offensive line only gave up 26 sacks last season. The big men in teal finished with a 5.7 percent adjusted sack rate, ranking them twelfth in the NFL.

This offensive line is legitimate and this season should cement them among the NFL elite. Probably.

 

 

Chad Pennington

 

When the Miami Dolphins picked up Chad Pennington, the rest of the league should have just arrested them there; because it was a steal! I will now punch myself in the face for making that terrible joke.

All terrible hilarity aside, Pennington was quietly one of the most effective quarterbacks in the NFL. If you believe in stats then listen to this: Pennington ranked sixth among QB’s in Defense-adjusted Yards Above Replacement (or DYAR for the acronym-inclined). Even though that sounds like gibberish, and it does kinda look like gibberish, it means that Pennington was behind only Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, Kurt Warner, and Jay Cutler when it came to overall quarterback efficiency.

He doesn’t make a lot of mistakes (only seven INT’s), he’s very accurate (his 67.6 completion percentage was tops among QB’s) and he’s a boon to the team’s chemistry. Pennington’s fragility is the only warning sign, and Miami has yet to experience that yet.

I’ll just come out and say it: The only thing Tom Brady has over Pennington right now is a hotter girlfriend. What? Oh yeah, and maybe some Super Bowl rings, but whatever.

 

 

The defense is getting better

 

Miami’s D was average last season, opponents were gaining 329 total yards a game against the Fins; good for 15th in the NFL.

Fortunately, Miami was not idle during the offseason. Jason Taylor danced his way back into the Teal and Orange after his failed remake of a Jimmy Stewart film, “Mr. Taylor Goes to Washington.” JT is old, but if Bob Barker taught us anything it’s that old people can still tell you what the actual retail price of things are. And maybe rush the passer. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Joey Porter is back, after a 17 1/2 sack vendetta against all things quarterback. The new addition Gibrill Wilson will team up with Yeremiah Bell to give opposing receivers no solace that the position they play is named safety. If Jason Ferguson can stay healthy this defense will thrive. IF (that’s a big if, get it?).

Well I’ve still got two hours until all of this could blow up in my face so I think I’ll spend it with the people I love (is Jack Daniel’s a real person?). It’s time for Miami to shake off it’s inferiority complex and take it’s rightful place as defenders of the AFC East crown. There’s a reason they play the game, and it’s because nothing’s for certain until the final whistle blows.

All signs are pointing to one helluva season.

 

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