Top 10 Funniest Moments (and Comedians) in NFL Football

Too many goofy things happen on the football field.  So, in order to get a list together that’s below infinity, I’ve decided to stick to the NFL or former or current NFL players.

After all, when kids screw up, it’s funny.  When professionals screw up, it’s downright hilarious.

Let’s get to the list.

10.) Chad Johnson, Chad Ochocinco or Terrell Owens – – Please, don’t get on my case for not paring down the list regarding this ridiculous threesome…err, pair.  Remember Chad Johnson’s Mohawk hairdo?  Chad Ochocinco is just, well, the man’s name is Ochocinco after his number, and Terrell Owens?  How about the popcorn incident or the signing the football incident or the crying because the media was picking on his quarterback, Tony Romo incident…again, you choose the best idiotic thing with these guys.

9.) Funny football dances – – I love this one.  Just go onto youtube and put in “funny football dances”.  This actually isn’t #9 per se, more like #10A because most of the funny football dances are done by the two funniest men in football history, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens.  There’s the cabbage patch, running man, hula hoop dance, and good old fashioned football scoring spike the ball, jig.  Oh, I forgot…Magic fingers!  Magic fingers!

8.) Streaker Gets Belted – – Better to show you than describe to you. Watch here. Did you watch?  Did you?  Ouch.

7.) Whiffed Punts, Kicks and the Bad Snaps – – There’s also the ball falling out of the quarterbacks hand and the QB throwing the pigskin onto the back of one of his players. Whatever the case may be players just can’t seem to keep the ball in their hands sometimes.  My favorite?  The 1986 Giants vs. Bears playoff game where G-Men punter Sean Landeta loses the ball because of a gust of win, it gets picked up by Chicago’s Shaun Gayle and he marches into the end zone. A funny moment and yet so, so sad.

6.) Phil Luckett Coin Flip Call – – We’ve witnessed a lot of bad call this 2009 NFL season, like the embarrassing calls in the Ravens vs Patriots game, but this one takes the cake. Sure, it’s not Adam Sandler funny, more like Frasier funny, but it’s funny.  I will always try to find a place for Phil Luckett’s bad con flip call in the 1998 Thanksgiving overtime game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Detroit Lions.  Phil, Jerome said, “Tails.”  Tails, Phil. Tails. That was one of the worst NFL calls of all time.

5.) Leon Lett Gets Funky and Looks Like a Fool in the Super Bowl – – Double L makes the list twice.  The first is for his ridiculous I’m going to put the ball over the goal line before I get into the end zone move that cost him a touchdown in the 1993 Super Bowl when Don Beebee stripped it from him.  Big Bad Leon wanted to get cute and, instead, looked like a fool.  Of course…Double L wasn’t going to let one stupid thing stop him from ever doing another stupid thing, right?

4.) Leon Lett and Snow Are Enemies – – Man, I miss Double L!  In a snowy game in 1993 against the Miami Dolphins, yes, in the same year, the Cowboy block a field goal and seemingly have the game won, but Double L decides to chase down the ball and scoop it up only the ball slipper because, like, it’s snowing, and like, Double L has these massive, uncoordinated hands, and like, well, like, the Dolphins recover and like kick the field goal because after Double L touched it the ball was live.  Yep.  The Dolphins won the game.

3.) Gus Frerotte Gets Manhandled by Padding in the End Zone – – Gus Frerrotte, a graduate of Tulsa University, scored a touchdown in a game in 1997 against the New York Giants when he was with the Washington Redskins, head butted the padding at the back of the End Zone, and injures his neck.  Check out the video:  “Yeah, baby!  Touchdown!  Oh…man..that stings…”

2.) Broadway Joe Wants to Get It On with Suzy Kolber – – I love Joe Namath.  Want to succeed in New York, Mark Sanchez?  Played as Joe played, but don’t do as Joe did off of the football field.  Well, maybe, that’s not such a bad thing.  Somehow, I think pretty boy Sanchez would have more luck with Suzy Kolber than Skid Row Joe. Click here to watch.

1.) Peyton Manning…Comedian – – This is for real, folks!  Petyon Manning is freaking hilarious.  The man is a comedian.  Check out his commercial work in the video below.  Or, how about his work on SNL. Peyton does comedy almost as well as he plays on the football field.  “Funny moments?  I’ll give you funny moments?  I am a funny moment!”

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Falcons-Saints: Monday Night Football Preview

The undefeated New Orleans Saints will try to prove once again that they are the best team in the NFL right now as they host the 12-point underdog Atlanta Falcons 8:30 PM ET at the Superdome in a NFC South Monday Night Football showdown.

Atlanta Falcons +11.5
New Orleans Saints -11.5
O/U 56

Odds provided by BetUS.com

It’s really hard to find anything negative about how the Saints play. Last week they scored 22 points in the last quarter to win 46-34 over the Dolphins. No team has allowed 34 points this season and managed to win the game by at least two scores.

“Everyone thinks we’re a finesse team and we’re always up early, but here we showed that we can come from behind,” running back Mike Bell said. “There was a major (deficit) at halftime, and we came back, and persevered, and we stuck together.”

Atlanta, on the other hand, will try to bounce back after an ugly 37-21 loss last week against the Cowboys. Matt Ryan threw for 198 yards with two scores and two interceptions. He has four picks in the last two games.

Ryan is playing against a talented passing defense that is ranked seventh in the league. The Saints have 13 total interceptions (third in the NFL) and 14 sacks. Being as aggressive as the Saints defense is, the Falcons may find some big plays down the field with Roddy White, Michael Jenkins, and of course, Tony Gonzalez.

“If we’ve got any chance of winning the division, I think the guys in the locker room know this is a big game for us,” running back Michael Turner said. “We don’t want to fall three games behind. In the NFL it’s tough to catch up once you fall that many games behind and they have a win on you already. We’ve got to do whatever it takes to pull off this win on Monday.”

On defense you can expect the Falcons’ fast front seven to blitz a lot to make Drew Brees uncomfortable and keep him away from throwing inside the pocket—although the Jets and the Bills can tell you stopping Brees may not be enough to beat the Saints.

New Orleans has won seven out of eight games at the Superdome dating to last year, beating Atlanta 29-25 on Dec. 7.

 

Head to Head Matchup

Dec. 7, 2008         ATL 25, NOR 29
Nov. 9, 2008         ATL 34, @NOR 20
Dec. 10, 2007       ATL 14, @NOR 34
Oct. 21, 2007        ATL 16, NOR 22
Nov. 26, 2006      ATL 13, @NOR 31
Sep. 25, 2006       ATL 3, NOR 23
Dec. 12, 2005       ATL 36, @NOR 17

My pick: The Saints. Over

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My Top 10 Healthy Football Foods

If you consume as many calories during a game as passing yards or rushing yards your prime time players clock in over a season, things can start to go south quickly for you. Literally.

That is the peril many NFL fans face every year during the football season when sport, pizza, wings and beer conspire hand-in-hand and create an irresistible caloric down-slope. Compounded over many seasons and things are sure to get out of hand. Not to mention bad breath from bad eating. (Yikes!)

Traditional football eats are loaded with saturated fat, calories and added salt, which really should come with a screaming health warning. Too many footballers are helpless against the unlimited supply of snacks and treats that prop up as a veritable buffet during game-day. Resisting the temptation can be a real challenge. For those of you who can’t watch football without the grease, read My Top Ten Football Foods .

But you don’t have to make such tough choices. All it takes is a little bit of creativity and a few healthy substitutions and you can serve up game-day snacks that are sure to help keep the pounds off and save you from having to buy a bigger couch down the road.

 

Hosting the game next week? Serve any of these 10 healthier options:

1. Serve whole wheat pita with hummus , salsa or dips prepared with non-fat yogurt or reduced-fat sour cream  
2. Serve vegetarian bean chili instead of regular beef chili
3. Serve baked tortilla chips, reduced-fat cheese, salsa and fat-free sour cream
4. Instead of those dreaded chicken wings, try grilled chicken tenderloins or shrimp skewers with hot sauce and low-calorie blue-cheese dressing
5. No one has ever gained any weight from vegetables. Having crunchy carrot sticks, celery slices, bell pepper strips, sliced cucumbers with fat-free or low-fat dressings, salsa or yogurt dips is an excellent option
6. Serve baked chips instead of regular chips
7. Make a sandwich platter using whole-grain hoagies with lean deli meats such as turkey and ham and assorted vegetables (lettuce, tomato, pickles, roasted peppers, etc.). Hold the mayo and use mustard instead.
8. Cold shrimp with cocktail sauce.
9. Edamame (serve steamed soy beans in the pod)
10. Fresh fruit platters

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NFL Week Seven: Top Seven Plays

In the Nicks of Time

With the Giants and Cardinals locked in a tie with two minutes left in the first half, Eli Manning launched a ball in Mario Manningham’s direction which was batted in to the air by Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. It was a great play by the Cardinals defensive back…except that it deflected right into the hands of Hakeem Nicks who hauled it in for a 62-yard score to put the Giants up 14-7 going into the break.

 

Reggie Bush Soars Six Yards for Six

The double-reverse play is always nauseating for a fan. It either breaks out for a huge gain, or gets mauled in the backfield for a terrifying loss of yards.

But when Reggie Bush got the ball, he sprinted up the sidelines and dove over a Dolphin defender from the six yard line, propelling himself into the end zone for the score.

The play created some awkward tension at the new Odom-Kardashian house where Khloe asked hubby Lamar, “Why don’t you ever do that? Don’t you, like, jump for a living or something?”

 

Crazy…Like A Fox!

Brett Favre was poised to make the announcing team gush with the winning score just 18 yards away. Instead, Chester Taylor freaked out when Brett Favre dumped the ball into his face and Keyaron Fox returned the interception 82 yards for the game winning score.

Almost as remarkable was offensive tackle Phil Loadholt chasing down Fox and nearly catching him at the goal line. Loadholt’s weight: 343 goddamn pounds.

 

Dirty Sanchez Munches Raiders on Field, Hot Dogs on Bench

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t exactly a “play”, but that’s just how ridiculous the 38-0 skunking of the Raiders got to be.  A shot of rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez keeled over with a hat pulled over his brow revealed that he was on the bench stuffing a hot dog in to his mouth…during the game. He tried to cover it up and hide the fact, but the cameraman caught him in the action.

My question is: How the hell did he get the hot dog? Did the trainer give it to him? “No, Mark, you really would prefer to eat a granola bar or a banana right now. A hot dog? Seriously? Those things are like $7 here! Fine. I think I have some change in my car. What? You want everything on it? Now you’re being ridiculous!”

 

Romo Sheds Tackles, Haters

On the 12 yard line, the pocket around Tony Romo completely collapsed and four guys had clear shots at Romo. Instead, Tony made Romosexuals out of the entire defensive line from Atlanta and shed three tackles to throw a five-yard touchdown to Patrick Crayton. The play gave Dallas a decisive 17-7 lead heading in to halftime and put Dallas back in favor with its betting faithful.

 

Ricky Williams Burns Saints, Not Joints

Ricky Williams broke out a 68-yard touchdown run against the Saints to put the Dolphins up 14-3 in the first quarter. The former burnout instead burned down the Saints, scoring three touchdowns and racking up 80 yards on the day in the loss.

 

LaDanian Gets Stuffed Four Times in a Row

Last week, LDT was grumbling like a spoiled brat on the sidelines about Darren Sproles getting the goal line carries. Granted, a 5’6″, 185-pound back-up should NEVER get those carries (read: Ray Lewis, Week Three) in the first place, but LDT did absolutely nothing to bolster his case in the second and third quarters.

On two consecutive attempts from the two yard line, LDT was stuffed by the Chiefs. In the third quarter, a touchdown was nullified on an illegal substitution penalty.

Norv Turner then said “screw it” and went for it four times with Tomlinson from inside the KC two yard line and Tomlinson was rejected more times than Richard Heene by TLC.

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Top-10 Ways to Ditch a Girl at Game Time

We’ve all been there. It’s Sunday and you’re stoked for the NFL Game of the Week . It’s around 12:30pm EST and you’re busy killing your hangover by throwing back shots of Jack Daniels for breakfast while searching the Internet for news on LaDainian Tomlinson’s new vaginal injury to see where your money should be going. It’s beautiful outside and you could not care less because there’s football on TV. There’s no reason to leave the house today unless you run out of beer. Even God took Sundays off. Why can’t you?

Because you have a girlfriend and she’s not putting up with you sitting on the couch all day.

So, for all the guys out there who have this dilemma, we’ve hatched a list of 10 surefire ways to get that hag out of the house so you can enjoy the day you’ve waited for all week. It’s the least we can do so you can spend your days with us, instead of her.

LAST DITCH EFFORTS

10. Encourage Office Romance
Huh? Why would you do that? Because if your girlfriend is as vindictive as my ex-girlfriends are then they’ll hate your guts for liking football, as if God forbids you from enjoying hobbies! The more you commit your Sundays to football, and your Saturday nights to college ball (and your March to college basketball, and October to baseball…you get the idea), the more she’ll feel inclined to stab you in the face with a budding affair that will never go anywhere.

Chances are that the guy who’s hitting on your girlfriend or wife at work is such a douchebag that he doesn’t even like sports. So really, all you have to do is find some way  to get her to spend the day with this chump and you’re set. The best way? Act like it really, really bothers you that she spends her free time with him. My favorite part about this is that she won’t do anything while out on her “date”…and when she gets back, you can be justifiably angry at her and completely ignore her while enjoying Sunday Night Football.

9. Use Tequila On Saturday Night To Stir Up A Fight
This is when your gleeful betting habits collide with your awesome drinking habits. Get her drunk on Saturday night and just start fighting with her over something dumb. Here are some great kick-starters:

“Jon Gosselin is soooooo the victim! Are you nuts?”
“I hear what you’re saying, but you could still clean the toilet a few more times a week…”
“What do you mean Letterman’s wife should be upset? Why? Because of all the money he brings home?”

Once things go south just flip the script and pretend like she’s attacking you personally. When you get so irate that you storm home and tell her “not to bother to come home” you’ll be free as a bird on Sunday. When she calls you on Sunday, just tell her at halftime, “Listen, I just can’t talk right now…I’m still upset over last night…I just need a few more hours, ok?” Then, once your team has hit the TOTAL, you can invite her back over.

8. Bet Your Life Savings On A Rams Away Game
Granted, this strategy has a lot more potential to damage you in the long-term, but the short-term benefits are what we’re focused on here. Once you’re done trying to convince her that “the Rams are due!,” she’ll have slapped you in the face and kicked you in the balls. Now all you have to do is just bolt the door shut once she’s gone and block all of the calls from her mother’s house. Hey, it’s called a “last ditch effort” for a reason! Desperate times call for desperate measures…and nothing is more desperate than banking your entire life savings on Kyle Boller away from home.

SEND HER ON AN ALL-EXPENSES TRIP

7. Keep A Loaded Gun
I mean that figuratively, not literally. Unless you’re a total relationship failure, she’s done something in recent memory that she still owes you for. So, when I say that you’re sending her on a “trip,” I’m really just telling you that it’s about time you call in the favor and send her on a guilt trip. This probably isn’t the best time to do so, and you’ll probably screw up down the road and wish you hadn’t burned this favor, but at least you’ll have all of Sunday to yourself!

WHY YOU HAVE FRIENDS

6. Gather The Wives
You have one friend who has a cool wife or girlfriend. You do. She’s awesome, with the only discernible dent in her resume being that she doesn’t really like sports. This woman is your ally.

One quick call to her to rally the girls to go shopping (or whatever the hell women do in their spare time) and pretend like they’re the whores from Sex In The City   for a day, and she’ll be gone for hours. Sure, it’ll put a gushing knife wound in your shared credit card, but that’s the price you have to pay for freedom sometimes.

5. Invite That Guy She Hates To Watch The Game
I have a friend, whom we’re going to call “Pete” for this article, that is as horrifically inappropriate to my girlfriend as any guy can be. He hits on her when he’s drunk, he makes lewd comments to anything with breasts, and he stinks to high hell. You know you have a “Pete” in your arsenal. You don’t mind him, but your girlfriend hates him. It’s time to use him.

So when Sunday morning rolls around, walk back in to the bedroom with your cell phone in hand and say with genuine depression in your voice, “Hey, the guys are coming over today, and one of them accidentally invited Pete over. I just wanted to give you the heads up because I know you’re not his biggest fan.” This cleverly disguised ploy comes off as a favor, so it’s a win-win.

4. Don’t Let Your Friends Take Their Shoes Off
If your wife or girlfriend is a neat-freak, the thought of 30 grungy dudes filling up your living room will drive her insane. If the sight of muddy carpets, beer stained couches, and tumbled chili-dogs is enough to put her in “Kate-mode,” then you’re on the verge of getting her out of the house. All she needs is a little nudge.

Get your friends over about an hour before game time, make sure they track as much mud and crap through your beautiful house as possible, and make sure she sees it. You can even have some of them to break something. Whatever. By the time there are too many people in the house to kick out, she’ll be storming out the front door screaming, “This goddamn mess better be cleaned up by the time I get home!” Get $10 from all your buds, call Molly Maid, and you’re good to go.

THE GOOD IDEAS

3. Find A Cooler Girlfriend
She may be a budding doctor, or a sharp real estate agent that makes boat loads of money. Either way, if she’s not going to genuinely support your hobbies by cooking your friends lunch and serving up Patron every time there’s a touchdown, it’s about time you get rid of her.

2. Surprise Her
When she wakes up in the morning, tell her, “Hey, you need to get out of the house and keep yourself busy…I have a surprise for you.” She’ll spend all day running around town thinking about what the surprise is and you’ll spend all day without her constant chirping while the Bengals are burning up the spread.

Now, if you’re a real dick head, when she comes home you’ll just tell her that you lied to her to get her out of the house. But if you’re smart, then you’ll get all the supplies you need on Saturday and surprise her with something sweet that will lead to the perfect end to your perfect Sunday: a blowjob.

1. Three Words: Spa Gift Certificate
My buddy does this every week to get his wife out of the house, because he’d rather spend $100 on facials and muddy rubdowns than listen to his wife chatter on about all the stuff he’s supposed to fixing in the house. He gets her a gift certificate to a spa so she can treat herself to a “day for herself,” and he can enjoy Sundays in peace.

The best part? The spa is about an hour and a half away from his house. Two hours if there’s bad traffic. The other best part? Watching my buddy lose his mind after betting a two-team parlay failure that was intended to cover the cost of the gift certificate.

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NFL Week Five Picks for Sunday’s Must-See Games

The NFL is getting hot after the first month and every single Sunday there are multiple interesting games to watch. Here are my NFL Week Five Picks for Sunday’s must-see games.

Texans vs. Cardinals

Both teams have amazing offenses and explosive air performances week in and week out. So for those who love a TD festival, this is the game for you. Expect a game over the 50 points that most odds and lines have given.

Just imagine Matt Schaub throwing down the field to Andre Johnson or to Kevin Walter, or Kurt Warner looking for a huge play with Larry Fitzgerald or Anquan Boldin—boy this will be a great game.

Patriots vs. Broncos

I’ll be looking forward to see if the Broncos remain undefeated after Tom Brady and the Patriots visit them this weekend.  Against all the odds, Denver beat the Cowboys at home last week. Now I want to see if the Broncos D is solid enough to stop Brady and his offense.

Remember that coach Josh McDaniels spent eight seasons under Bill Belichick with New England and knows everything about that organization.

Colts vs. Titans

At the beginning of the season, this was a big matchup between two teams built to win the AFC South and probably the AFC conference.  But the Titans have played terrible in the first four weeks in the season and need to wake up if they want to save the year.

QB Kerry Collins is not playing like last season and could end up being benched this Sunday Night. Maybe we’ll get the chance to see Vince Young playing.

VY is the kind of QB that could make any defense look bad with his running game, but at the same time, he also can look awful if he starts throwing the ball down the field.

Of course, on the other side, Peyton Manning is a guaranteed show any given Sunday.  Manning is playing like a true MVP candidate and it is so much fun to watch him be able to find any receiver, and when I say any receiver, I mean it!

Manning has found Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Pierre Garcon, and Austin Colllie in the end zone this season; a big passing game is always enjoyable to watch.

NFL Picks: Take the Cards, Pats, and Colts to bring home the bacon this Sunday.

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Top Five Prime Time Players in NFL Week Three

In Week Three on the gridiron, several players stepped up and made the difference for their team in covering the spread. Now, I present the list of the players that had the biggest impact on cashing your winning NFL betting tickets last week…

5.) QB Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts: Ho hum. The future Hall of Famer moved the Colts to a perfect 3-0 SU and 2-1 ATS this season by throwing for 379 yards and four touchdowns against Arizona last week on Sunday Night Football.

Manning absolutely put on a clinic for the second straight week under the national spotlight, and once again, he did so without the services of WR Anthony Gonzalez.

WR Reggie Wayne and TE Dallas Clark are the only targets that Manning is 100 percent comfortable with, but to prove just how good of a quarterback he is, it doesn’t matter who is lined up on the opposite side of the field, he’s going to find the right man and make the right decisions. That’s why the Colts are No. 4 in the AFC Week 4 Power Poll and a serious Super Bowl contender year in and year out

4.) QB Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions: No, Matt Stafford’s numbers weren’t fantastic on Sunday against Washington, but how can we not make mention of the first quarterback to lead the Lions to a SU victory in almost two full seasons? The No. 1 overall pick had the best game of his young career, going 21/36 for 241 yards with a touchdown, but most importantly: he didn’t turn the ball over and kept Detroit in a position to win the game at all times.

He was smart by throwing the ball away under pressure when he had to, and scrambled for 23 yards when he was in trouble as well. If he accomplishes nothing else this season, Stafford is already a hero in the Motor City.

3.) RB Maurice Jones-Drew, Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags wouldn’t have stood a chance in Houston on Sunday afternoon without their little bowling ball of a running back.

Jones-Drew rumbled through Houston’s defense for 119 yards and three touchdowns and caught another four passes for 28 yards. He set the tone that HC Jack Del Rio was hoping to set in the second half by pounding the football play after play. And even though the Texans kept him bottled up at times, he busted enough big runs to make the Jaguars winners for the first time this season.

2.) DL Elvis Dumervil, Denver Broncos: Let’s give some love to the big boys on the defensive line for the Broncos. Dumervil picked up a pair of sacks off the end and terrorized Oakland QB JaMarcus Russell all day in Denver’s 23-3 victory against the Raiders. It was a complete defensive effort for HC Josh McDaniel’s boys, as they held the men in silver and black to just 137 total yards of offense.

1.) QB Mark Sanchez, New York Jets: This rookie is playing like anything but a rookie. Sanchez stood tall in the pocket and did a number on Tennessee’s stout defense last week in the Jets’ 24-17 victory in the Meadowlands.

The USC product ran for the game’s opening score, and threw two other TD passes in the victory, including the strike with 5:07 to play in the third quarter that stopped a 17-0 Tennessee scoring run and put New York ahead for good.

HC Rex Ryan’s defense may be getting the accolades, but Sanchez is doing enough right now to make himself the clear frontrunner for Rookie of the Year honors.

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